this mare eats oats

what's in a name?

2012-02-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

The name game for baby Billy is ongoing at our house. And it seems to be going nowhere. Ryan has his favorites. I have mine. Nothing overlaps. It’s not that any of the names are bad names in general. Just not names that I want to use, in the case of Ryan’s list. And vice versa for my list. {FYI – I’m not posting the lists here. Sorry. It’s not that we don’t want everyone’s specific input on our name options…but…we really don’t.}

Luckily we both like 'normal', but not too common. Classic but not over-used. Nothing too trendy or that no one has ever heard before. Definitely something that most will have no trouble spelling or pronouncing. And we most assuredly don’t want child services being summoned.

Ryan essentially named Leah. I had my list back then too {let’s be honest, I’ve had a rough draft of my list since I was 14}. He had his {brand new, of course}. He mentioned Leah one night and I thought, “Eh, whatever.” And then somehow it just caught on…not because I gave my go-ahead. The name somehow leaked and people thought that’s what we were for sure naming her so they started calling her that; and it weirded me out. But Leah stuck. Still, we didn’t officially name her until day four in the hospital because I just couldn’t make up my mind.

Because of this, I think my vote should have more sway this time around. Ryan disagrees. But we’re still at an impasse.

I want him to like the name, at least.

I’ve looked at family names and there are some I really like {and some I really don’t}.

I’ve also looked at meanings of names this time. I found out after the fact that Leah means “weary.” Ironic? Yes. That can pretty much sum up a good chunk of the last five years. So maybe we should be more careful with this one?!

I just don’t know. Am I stressing out too much? Will it just click when we see her? {I didn’t feel that way about Leah.} The clock is ticking and we’ve gotten nowhere.

I’m totally up for suggestions. If you suggest a name on my list, bless you; we’ll add it to my defense case. But if you suggest a name on Ryan’s, your comment might somehow be accidentally deleted? Darn those computer glitches.

so helpful

2012-02-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

dear leah,

thanks for being so helpful during my yoga routine this morning. i think my failing abs got more of a workout from laughing than they did from plank pose.

love,

mommy

p.s. dear maren, there's this thing called sun. go find some. xo, maren

31

2012-02-17T17:38:00.000-08:00

ryan turned the big 31 on tuesday. you're right, 31 just doesn't seem that "big." it almost seems anti-climactic to the anticipation that was 30. buuuuuuuuuuuuut, it's been a big year for this 31 year old and we still wanted to celebrate in small-scale style.

we caked it up on sunday night.

monday leah presented him with a new tuck hockey hat, which he sported at the valentine's day massacre later that evening.

also on monday, ryan went out to get the mail and, much to his dismay, there were two packages and a letter for me, a letter for leah and...a boring magazine, a bill and a tax form for him. nothing says happy birthday! quite like bills and taxes, right?

because of an extremely busy week filled with classes, school work, a case competition in boston and a fly-out internship interview in new york, ryan wasn't even around on his birthday. in fact, he spent a majority of the day flying from new hampshire to boston to philly to that interview in new york. yup, he could have driven to his destination faster than he flew. but, then he would have missed out on his opportunity to co-pilot, now wouldn't he?

the first leg of his flight was out of a teeny tiny municipal airport in a neighboring city. the plane seats 6 people - including the pilot. if there is no co-pilot for the flight, a passenger is often allowed in the "cockpit." on his flight to boston, there happened to be a co-pilot. bummer. but, on his flight back home the next day, ryan noticed that seat was empty. one person filed onto the plane before him and as ryan stepped through the doorway, the pilot said, "feel free to take any seat except the one in the very back. and this one up here is free too," at which point the pilot patted the co-pilot's seat. ryan didn't even blink before he jumped at the chance. although the sky was dark, he had a blast being so up close and personal to the control panel as well as having such a great aerial view {as opposed to your regular 12x12 inch side view in a window seat}. although he was exhausted from the week's events, it was a great birthday surprise.

we finally celebrated for real tonight. in addition to the much anticipated eclairs {i was so worried they wouldn't turn out, leaving him with seriously ridiculous presents}, we had some delicious grilled salmon and he was finally able to open his gifts. after dinner, he and leah settled down on the couch to watch the new movie leah gave to him.

i hope {even if it was four days late} it was, indeed, a happy birthday.

a step-by-step guide to making eclairs

2012-02-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

*{for recipe, head over to the fresh loaf.}

pink cake

2012-02-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

ryan's birthday celebrations have been postponed until tomorrow night since he spent his big day flying to an interview in new york state. you'd think being on a plane/at various airports for a majority of the day is no way to spend a birthday, but this is ryan we're talking about. more on his co-piloting adventures later. seriously.

for now, a play-by-play of the ever-famous pink cake: 31st edition.

the cake, in all it's fire-hazard glory. i didn't double check at the time, but i think there are really 31 candles there.

ready, set:

go!:

no really, go!! oh, you mean these are "twinkle" candles - the kind that you have to blow out over and over and over? for the record, i actually had an identical look on my face. it's the moment i, too, realized they were twinkle candles. it seriously was not planned. but i got a good laugh out of it.

no worries. he apparently has the lungs of a strapping 29 year old. those candles were no match for him.

*disclaimer: all photos taken with my iPhone in the semi-dark.

*disclaimer #2: i am aware this is hands down the ugliest pink cake i have made to date. i'm over it.

my funny valentine

2012-02-14T22:44:00.000-08:00

although my valentine of nine years was out of town on my favorite day of the year {sense the sarcasm}, i was still able to spend my time with this funny little lady - who was way more interested in super why than getting her picture taken.

we spent our day delivering cookies and her bouncy ball valentines {that i sadly have no pictures of!} and trying our best to be festive. she was wearing hearts after all.

our week was filled with heart shaped food in the form of turkey pepperoni, frosted sugar cookies and disastrous pancakes.

i guess it takes an almost five year old to start making me festive??

valentine's day massacre

2012-02-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

for a pre-valentine's day/pre-birthday date, i got a babysitter and we headed to the ice arena a stone's throw from our apartment to attend the tuck tripod league's valentine's day massacre - a guys vs. girls hockey game played annually.

romantic, huh?

well, it did not disappoint.

the line-up was comprised of couples from the various men's and women's tripod hockey leagues. they were all announced at the beginning of the game as they skated out onto the ice. this is the big leagues here, folks. we don't mess around.

two of the referees were dressed up with red feathered wings and carried cupid's arrows. another was dressed up in an outfit i'm afraid i will never be able to erase from my memory.

the game was played completely fairly - with the men's team getting penalties for things like "being short" or "being too canadian." though there were no true hockey brawls, there was definitely some friendly couple tripping with hockey sticks and a few others mishaps. one girl even got "pucked" in the face {mask}. ryan assures me it doesn't hurt, "it's just really loud."

at one point in the game, chris "the wall" halstedt, the men's goalie, tried to woo his wife and distract her from making a goal by presenting her with a bouquet of red roses.

better luck next time, christopher. that kind of distraction is no match for miss lauren.

it was a close game, but the girls emerged victorious 13-0.

here's some obviously unattractive proof that we were there:

we'll definitely be going back in 2013. and who knows, maybe we'll be out on the ice?

the tradition lives on

2012-02-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

well, i did it. i broke the {pretend} pact. but so did lindsey, so i'm off the hook. i signed up to bring heart shaped sugar cookies to leah's preschool class for their valentine's day celebration. and rather than decorate them all by my lonesome, i extended an invitation to some nearby friends. leah and i baked all the cookies this morning {and even got to use a vintage crinkle edge heart shaped cookie cutter that has been in my family for as long as i can remember}. all in all, five friends and five kids graced my table to decorate and consume some sugary heart-shaped goodness.

although it was admittedly different than years past {i think kristen would agree our best batch was february 14, 2008...our second batch that week}, it was a lot of fun to get my pastry bags and decorating tips out of the closet again and share my tradition with some new good friends.

and word on the street is leah's class thoroughly enjoyed them. success!

one hundred thousand

2012-02-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

oh, larry, my friend. you did it! you made it to 100,000 miles.

i've been anticipating this day for a little while now - consistently checking the little digital box encircled by the speedometer until i saw those glorious five zeroes with my own little eyes.

but as fate would have it, ryan was actually driving you when you reached your milestone. and then passed it. and he didn't even bother to note it. not until he filled up for gas. and even then it was just a mental note. he drove home and didn't mention your hard work until the next morning. there i was, in the driver's seat like i so often am, shivering in the morning chill as we warmed you up when i saw it. but only four zeroes and two blasted ones were staring back at me. i'm sorry about that. but i did document your big moment right then and there.

oh larry, you've been so good to us! i know sometimes we complain that you don't have power anything {except steering, we'll give you that}. i know we even complain that there aren't two of you. but you have stayed with us through the thick and thin.

you were my first ever car. my first! i'll never forget the thrill i felt as i pulled up into my mom's driveway and saw your silvery goodness shining on the pavement. silver! exactly what i had wanted! i remember the way i felt when we made our last payment for you. that we owned you fair and square. you were mine all mine for keeps.

you drove us from our first home in utah to uncharted territories in the bay area. you've made multiple trips to utah and back; to lake merwin, washington; to southern california. you even abandoned me for a summer to keep ryan company on his trek to alabama and back. and you carried us safely and surely on our 3,200 mile trek across the entire united states this summer.

you brought home our sweet little girl from the hospital. and you've carted her around to countless doctor appointments, therapy sessions, school days and more. you quietly held her during those horrendous, sleepless nights of 2009 and you never once complained.

you've been through the daily grind with us - work, school, shopping and more.

you've only received two tickets. one for ryan. one for me. both were for speeding. and neither were legit. seriously.

you've been filled with balloons. and with garbage. with sand from the shores of california and snow from the hills of new hampshire. you've survived an explosion of 24 cans of root beer. messy fingers and dirty feet. you've been sparkling clean and downright filthy {like you are right now, sorry}. and you've never grumbled.

you've only locked me out four or five times. and only once with leah inside.

other than your consistent diet of gasoline and routine maintenance like oil changes, you are very low maintenance. and relatively inexpensive.

it's been a great 100,000 miles, mr. larry. and i can't wait for 100,000 more.

superbowl sushi sunday

2012-02-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

i have to admit, i didn't really have plans to watch the superbowl initially. gasp! i know, you'd think i'm not american or something. i haven't been a fan since the whole indecent exposure episode a few years back. tons of the commercials are released in advance, which ruins that part of the excitement. madonna was the entertainment? sorry, no thanks. oh, right, there's the football too. i know we live in new england, so i should have been more interested, but for some reason i just wasn't.

until sushi was mentioned.

we reunited with our football-watching buddies from the fall, whipped up some sushi {no big deal} and ate to our hearts' contents. i don't have a ton of room in my stomach as of late, but i made sure to move a few things aside to make room for this stuff. and for andrea's amazing pina colada, which i have no pictures of because we drank it too fast. so, so good.

we watched the commercials {ryan actually had to - it was an assignment for his marketing class}. madonna wasn't as bad as expected {although still definitely not a fav}. and you know what?! we even ended up watching some football. some. i mostly paid attention to the sushi. you would too if it looked like this:

i'd say my goal to "try a new recipe" was a success for the month of february.

twenty five

2012-02-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

i'm now twenty five weeks along {well, i will be in a few hours}. and i have to say, it feels good to be 60% complete with growing this child - at least internally. she is a mover and a shaker, that is for sure. she goes non stop. all day. and i kind of like it. and i kind of didn't like it that one day last week when she decided to stop moving completely. let's just say i stayed awake poking and prodding until 3am to ease my mind.

i was super good at taking weekly shots of my growing midsection with leah. ryan set up shop with the camera religiously every sunday and took a picture of me by our front door.

this baby? not so much. it's not that i don't think about it. i do. but the weeks change over on saturday...and i rarely see ryan on saturday when i'm in the mood to get a picture taken of me {think pajamas. bad hair. no makeup}. a few weeks ago i stooped so low as to have him take a picture of me in my running garb. after i ran. in running garb that was not meant for a growing belly. you will not be seeing that picture.

so, i took matters into my own hands and took a picture of myself - in a mirror's reflection {and no, i didn't bother cleaning off said mirror beforehand}. the only full-length mirror we have in our house happens to be in our bedroom, hung on the door, with a dresser that's kind of in the way, so it's still not the best, but it'll do.

and so, without further ado {and mostly for a few ~~pestering~~ inquiring individuals}, you have twenty five.

and you get a foot picture - which i will now be adding to the regular belly repertoire simply because i think it will be hilarious to see my feet slowly but surely disappear altogether.

answers to frequently asked questions:

"how are you feeling?" - great. just tired. and mostly because i've started to have insomnia at night. it's super awesome. but i just hang out with billy and we chat and i feel super grateful to be pregnant at all, sleeping or not.

"who is billy?" - billy is the baby inside of me. we {the other three laytons} decided to call her billy because we think she will be a silly billy just like leah. leah thinks it's hilarious.

"are you carrying high again?" {asked by those living far away and who knew me when i was pregnant with leah} - yes. yes, i am. but not as high as with leah. still wearing regular pants, but only one pair really fits me.

"what are you going to name her?" - we're still playing the name game. ryan named leah, so i'm playing the my-vote-is-worth-50-votes-and-yours-is-worth-one card.

"when are you due?" - after lots of confusion between doctors, it was determined i am due may 19th.

"are you emotional?" {only ryan asks me this} - yes. i am.

i think that's all. comment below if you have additional burning questions. i'll do my best to answer.

sdrawkcab day

2012-01-31T17:18:00.000-08:00

today was backwards day at leah's school.

it was pretty hilarious to watch. some of the kids were all for it. and some wanted nothing to do with it. leah sported a turned around cardigan and some inside out french braids.

they did everything backward at school, like free time at the end of the day and snack and circle at the beginning. the welcome board with the kids' pictures and names was on the other side of the room {which surprisingly threw them off a lot!}...and it was upside down! her teacher, miss martin walked around backward looking into a mirror to see behind her. and to top it off, when i came to pick her up, she and all the other kids walked out to us backward.

*don't let the cuteness fool you, though. the facade only goes so far. you can read about how she felt about it here.

go big green

2012-01-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

we made a spur-of-the-moment decision to join a group of "tuckies" at the dartmouth hockey game against brown. i know you've seen more posts about hockey in the last five months than you've seen in your entire life {and maybe more than you care to see at all?}, but hockey is HUGE here. so huge.

the dance boys and the laytons {missed you andrea!}

miss leah was the only tiny tuckie to last the entire game. she wasn't home and in bed until after 9:30. and she was a champ in the arena.

it was fun to watch a "real" game and see how fast-paced it really is. these guys can skate! only one major fight broke out - and my phone wasn't fast enough to catch the serious action - but it was hilarious. fighting really is a part of the game. i'll never understand...

dartmouth emerged triumphant 6-2 in the end. go big green!

all cookies should have sprinkles

2012-01-27T18:21:00.000-08:00

leah's school was cancelled for the second time this year - unnecessarily. i thought for sure new hampshire would be hard core when it came to snow days, but i was sorely mistaken. this time it was for rain that they thought maybe, might, freeze. and it didn't. so, we took a walk in the slush around the block {in our rainboots} and decided to invite miss c over for a play date. they dressed up like princesses, had a dance party in leah's room and played a rousing game of hi hi cherry-o {which leah can play with her dice-rolling iPad app, thankyouverymuch}.

in addition to the aforementioned excitement, cookies were again requested. i guess they were popular last time?

only this time, sprinkles were included, because "all cookies should have sprinkles!," said miss c. miss ribbons readily agreed. slowly but surely i'm learning to see life through the eyes of a four year old.

so, sprinkles it was.

this is what two cute four year olds look like when covered in cookie dough and sprinkles.

and this is what your table {and, let's be honest, your floor} looks like when covered in cookie dough and sprinkles.

and this is what cookies look like when covered in sprinkles.

i was nervous for the taste test, but the verdict? not too shabby. we might be seeing more sprinkle-clad cookies 'round these parts in the future.

a budding artist

2012-01-23T19:23:00.000-08:00

tonight, after dinner, leah and ryan were reading stories on the iPad while i finished up some things on the computer for my role on the tuck partner board. it wasn't long before i got an email saying, "Here's a coloring page I made from my Disney Read-Along app" and attached was the following picture:

isn't it beautiful!?

i kind of love technology.

p.s. LCB stands for "leah chachi burrito." it's a long story.

partner bowling

2012-01-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

the tuck partners got out and about for a night on the town. we took our skills and headed to the bowling alley. it doesn't get much classier than a bowling alley in white river junction, vt, people. seriously. i won't go into any details, but i will say the concession stand was shared between the bowling alley and the business next door. and that business next door wasn't suitable for anyone under the age of 21. nice.

it was fun to get together with friends and get to know some of the other partners a bit - without talking about business classes and internships {sorry, ry, it's true.}

sadly, my sweet score didn't reflect the potential i showed in my 2002 bowling class at byu, but i did get a few strikes and spares mixed in there with the gutter balls. i'm going to blame it on my body's shifting center of balance. yes, that's it. {in fact, you can see that shifting center of balance sticking out at the very top of the picture...and p.s. my bowling shoes were new. hip hip!}

can't wait for the next night out!

emily, liz and rebecca

bartender {and organizer} lauren

team 2: katherine, lauren, shaelynn and me {with an invisible kelly who we all had fun bowling for in the strangest ways we could imagine. her score wasn't very good.}

the igoe mobile: me, andrea, emily and liz

REdo

2012-01-14T19:26:00.000-08:00

so leah got school pictures a few months back. they looked like this:

so we obviously opted for retakes. her preschool teacher has a rule that if a parent wants retakes, the parent accompanies the child to the session. i think that's a great rule. and i think i'll be accompanying leah to her first photo session next year. that'll save us some heartache.

i so prefer smiling leah.

don't you?

12 in 2012 (on the 12th)

2012-01-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

i'm going to start off by saying i'm all for goal making, but i've also got to say that i'm not all for new year's resolutions. i do love a new year, a fresh start, a clean slate. buuuuuuuuuuuut, i think goals and resolutions can {and should} be made at any point during the year.

that being said, the beginning of a new year is a great time to look back and reflect on what has passed and what i would like to change and improve upon in the coming days, weeks and months. and there are a lot, believe you me.

ryan and i follow his family's long-time tradition of writing predictions on new years eve each year and reading them the following new years eve. and we pride ourselves on getting lots of them right. these predictions aren't so much goals {they can be} but just guesses as to what kinds of things might happen in the coming 365/6 days.

two years ago, when leah was in the depths of regression, we wrote our predictions per our usual routine and a year ago when we read them, we were borderline depressed. nearly every prediction having to do with leah did NOT happen and in most cases, was much worse than we could have ever guessed. it was no one's fault - we were simply optimistic parents and leah just had things happen that were completely out of her control. so, one year ago, when we wrote our new predictions for the coming year, we were a bit more careful. more conservative. more considerate of what might be in our control and what most definitely was not. we didn't just write fluff, but we made sure to not set ourselves up for failure.

and you know what!? it was a great idea. because when we opened up those predictions just two weeks ago, we were thrilled with what had transpired in 2011. as rough of a year as it was, we went into it being hopeful and optimistic and realistic and came out happy campers.

i decided i need to apply that same rule to my goal making. some things are in my charge, some things are not. and i can't do anything about it. so i'm not going to make unrealistic goals. one of my favorite new quotes is from russell m. nelson, a leader in my church. he said,

Don't demand things that are unreasonable,

but demand of yourself improvement.

(http://lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng&query=mens+hearts+shall+fail+them#mens-hearts-shall-fail-them)

and with that, i give you my goals for 2012. if nothing, this is simply for me to be able to look back in 12 months and see what i felt was important going into this year.

1. have a baby

{i'd love to say, "have a normally-developing baby" or "have a healthy baby", but i'm not writing anything in here about what this baby will look like, or how she will develop or what she will do, when/what she will eat, how she will sleep, who she will be or anything of the sort. it's just not in my control.}

2. sign up for a marathon

{i'm not crazy enough to run one this year. wowzers. but i would like to have one in mind. and possibly one for rett syndrome.}

3. run a half marathon

{definitely do-able. even in a new england winter. because i just purchased myself a pair of these...in red.}

4. go on 12 dates with ryan

{last year was hectic. and we didn't take the time for ourselves that we needed. and it's needed.}

5. see my family

{man oh man is the east coast far away. and this might not be the farthest the layton family ever gets. but in the meantime i'd like to see, in person, as many of their smiling faces as i can this year.}

6. read 6 books

{i know. this is ridiculous. especially for a reader like me. but i just haven't taken the time lately! i finished a book over christmas break and forgot how much i truly love to read. i'm halfway through my first for the year. i hope to completely surpass this measly number, but i'm simply demanding of myself improvement. i welcome any book suggestions so long as they aren't sci-fi.}

7. finish the new testament

{i made an unreasonable goal last year with a friend and am seriously amending it for this year. go me.}

8. try out one new recipe a month

{again, ridiculous, i know. but i'm so horrible at trying new things! rest assured i've pinned probably 14,000 new recipes, but i feel like i need to taste or see them first. however, i've already tried two this month and it's worked out splendidly! again, recommendations are welcomed.}

9. write something. and submit it somewhere.

{nothing big. nothing fancy. nothing specific. just do it.}

10. work on my grandpa's history

{no excuses maren. not even having a baby is an excuse. life is only going to get busier. and you owe it to this amazing man.}

11. work on a blog book

{i'd like to say, "finish" or "publish" but again, that could very well be unreasonable. baby steps.}

12. slow down. make time. don't overextend myself. breathe. be still.

{self explanatory. and two weeks in, it's working wonders.}

happy new year!

{image}

beantown

2012-01-08T17:18:00.000-08:00

we went to boston...aka beantown...and it wasn't for anything medically related {gasp!}. and it was on this trip that i realized what a seriously cool city boston really is. we gallivanted around the city with bryan and catherine and barely scratched the surface during our 2 night 1.5 day stay, but we had a blast.

we got to stay in legit MIT student housing in cambridge as catherine's brother is a business student there and they were out of town.

we spent our saturday walking from bunker hill to beacon street along the red brick {and red painted} freedom trail.

the weather was AMAZING. it was a balmy 50-something degrees and we didn't even wear our coats for most of the day. on our two and a half mile walk, we saw the bunker hill monument, the skinny house {i've never seen bryan so giddy}, old north church {where paul revere's lanterns shone}, the site of the boston massacre, the old state house, granary burying ground {and a few other super cool cemeteries}, the massachusetts state house and boston common, among other things.

{including this really stunning memorial for veterans of the wars in iraq and afghanistan.}

boston even had special garbage cans for chubby girls like me! so sweet.

we stopped to get lunch at quincy market and clam chowder has never tasted so good. especially when capped off by a pistachio cannoli from mike's pastry. if you've never been, go. just go.

we spent our nights relaxing and pretending to stay awake during movies and chats. only we aren't very good pretenders. leah flirted it up with bryan {she was actually superb on this trip...three cheers for leah!}

we snuck into sacrament meeting at a student ward nearby on sunday {well, bryan, catherine and i did...ryan was in the hall with a seriously wiggly and giggly four year old}.

ryan's highlight of the trip? - eating eclaires and fresh new england clam chowder

bryan's?: the skinny house. hands down.

catherine's?: escaping the upper valley and being in civilization for a few hours

leah's?: wearing my gloves on our 2.5 mile walk back to the car. hilarious.

and mine?: being asked if we knew "any backstreet boys songs" to help some teenagers out on a video scavenger hunt near boston common. i know this should make me feel ridiculously old because 1) they didn't know any bsb tunes and 2) they thought i looked old enough to have such information in my head. well, they were right. and it made my day. catherine and i jammed out to "i want it that way" on their video camera while they tried their best to sing along. i was humming it for the rest of the night. good times, good times.

all in all, our quick jaunt to beantown was a seriously fun success. can't wait to do it again...no doctors involved.

eight is great

2012-01-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

being eight is great - especially in our church because it usually means baptism! living away from family during these occasions is not. my sweet and wonderful and beautiful and darling and loving and smart and kind and funny niece got baptized today. at eight years old, she had the opportunity to choose to become an official member of the church and be baptized by immersion, at which point, her "sins" are washed away and she is as clean and as perfect as she was they day she was born.

i do remember the day she was born. i held her in my own two arms. and oh was she perfect.

i wasn't able to be with my niece on her special day, but we were most definitely thinking about her from afar. i sent her what i hope she thinks is a beautiful white necklace to help her remember this day, her wonderful choices leading up to it and how clean and white she felt.

we are so proud of her!

three generations

father and daughter

poop

2012-01-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

yup. poop. this post is all about poop. so if you think you might not like it, you can stop here.

buuuuuuuuuuuuut, i will say, it's also about this girl and her awesome skillz. with a z.

you might remember this daddy daughter date from december 2010. ryan and miss ribbons had a grand old time at the oakland zoo as a reward for leah completing her third potty chart - all 40 boxes of it. well, we upped the ante a bit for chart #3 and increased the number of boxes to 64. and THIRTEEN months later, she completed it. she was so gung ho for awhile, and then wanted nothing to do with it. she ended up stickering more than half of it in just two months or so. the girl was on fire.

so, just like last time, the ultimate reward was a date with dad. this time, with ryan being the excellent hockey player that he is, he decided he wanted to take leah ice skating. we figured she'd just sit down on the ice so he called around to see if there were any arenas that would allow strollers and we found one! they skated and strolled their hearts out for nearly two hours. i'm not sure who was more excited - ryan or leah!

i was invited to tag along ONLY as the official photographer. but i seriously loved watching the two of them out there on the ice. leah had a great time and we'll be practicing a little more on her roller skates so that next time we go, she can strap on the real things.

we're onto chart #4 now and the boxes have increased in number to a whopping 80. i'll have you know that in less than a month, she's more than a quarter through. our goal is to have it finished by her birthday and she is seriously on board. she's getting better at going when we put her on the toilet as well as telling us she needs to go when we don't - in her very own little leah way. i can't even begin to tell you how proud of her i am. she lacks the ability to control nearly everything in her life and to see her beginning to master this skill brings tears to my eyes. she works so hard and deserves to have control over something!

goooooooooooooooooooooooo leah!

ctr

2012-01-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

i have a ctr.

i know. i don't believe it either.

she just won't stop growing!

to learn more about the ring hanging from her neck, click here.

auld lang syne

2012-01-01T18:05:00.000-08:00




	auld lang syne (ˈɔːld læŋ ˈsəɪn, ˈsaɪn, ˈzaɪn) , -n:

old times;

times past,

esp those remembered with affection or nostalgia

when i was younger, i thought the phrase auld lang syne was the strangest i'd ever heard. i didn't know how to say it or spell it and i definitely didn't know what it meant. but now that i'm older {and oh so much wiser}, i truly love this phrase. because there are so many moments to reflect back upon each year that i can remember with affection. some of those moments might take some effort to muster up even the slightest bit of nostalgia, and in some cases it just takes time, but i believe there is something to be grateful for in every situation.

and in this particular situation, i'm so happy to have started 2012 off with such wonderful friends. to be honest, i'm grateful to have what i consider to be wonderful friends just a few short months after moving. it really has been kind of magical how everyone just kind of seems to fit here. some new, some not so new. but it feels like we've known each other for ages.

this year's new year's eve party was a bit different than years past...but i have to think that it is probably the beginning of what is to come. kids are getting older - and are increasing in number - and no one could find babysitters! so we partied hardy with eight adults and eight kids either sleeping, trying to sleep, or not sleeping at all. it was a hoot. and if it weren't for some adult males insisting that we watch some ridiculous snomobile/bike jumping contest as the clock nearned midnight, it would have been a perfect night. i put my foot down and insisted we change the channel for the countdown, but we definitely spent our first few moments of 2012 watching a less-than-exciting event on television. next year i'll put both feet down.

miss ribbons {and two other little ones} slept through the changing of the years, but we snapped a few pictures before she headed upstairs. the glasses were too large and heavy for her to keep on her sweet little face, and, although it's not the best picture, she cooperated exponentially better than in years past {2008, 2009, 2010, 2011}. i don't blame her for being nervous for what was to come in 2010 and 2011 after what she had dealt with.

we got our family picture {all 3.5 of us - and why do i look like a giant in this picture?},

our group picture,

our kissing picture {although the dances decided they'd rather kiss in all of the pictures},

and one of some of my favorite NH ladies. to the rest of my favorite NH ladies, rest assured, you were missed and are definitely invited next year.

we also got a 20 week shot of my growing belly {kind of fun that the half way mark came right at the new year!}. can't wait 'til the bottom half outgrows the top half. yikes.

a great night.

with great food {albeit way too much of it}.

and great company.

welcome, 2012.

there are lines in hanover!?

2011-12-28T23:32:00.000-08:00

we took advantage of ryan's school holiday break and headed out for a date night. we decided to see sherlock holmes ii and left in plenty of time to drive a mile down the street to the movie theater. the roads were basically ice, so it took us probably 7 minutes instead of 5.

when we arrived "downtown" there wasn't a parking spot to be found, which is strange for a wednesday night, but strange in general for hanover. there are no lines anywhere here! ever! i usually don't have to wait for anything and rarely have a hard time finding parking. so, i ran into the theater {okay, i tip-toed really slowly...it was seriously icy} while ryan parked the car.

i ended up purchasing what i didn't know at the time were the very last two tickets for the movie. and when you purchase the last two tickets...and your husband is still parking the car minutes before the previews start...you will be sitting in the front row.

and after two hours of sitting in the front row, your necks might possibly be stuck like this for a very long time.

{ryan is totally looking the wrong way. the screen was to our RIGHT! but do you like his new christmas sweater?}

even with our stellar seats, the show and the company were great.

and so was the gelato we had afterward. mmm...pistachio.

spreading christmas cheer, one four year old at a time

2011-12-26T23:45:00.000-08:00

we had lofty goals of doing tons of christmas-ey activities while ryan and leah had a break from school. instead we sat around home doing nothing. and let's be honest: we were all just fine with that.

we did, however, venture out to the joseph smith birthplace memorial, which is about 25 minutes from our house. they had it beautifully lit up with lights.

first we jumped into part of an information session about joseph's parents that was pretty interesting. leah didn't think so.

then we went outside to see the live animals they had set up. leah was not entertained.

then we tried to get a family picture. leah was not enthused.

then we went on a walk. leah would have none of it.

ryan and i, however, enjoyed ourselves. well, maybe just i did since ryan was busy wrangling leah. the lights were beautiful - i especially loved the light post they wrapped to represent the star that shone as a sign of Christ's birth -

and it was nice to walk around all bundled up on a cold, quiet {except for leah} night.

i'm not sure why we don't go on family outings more often???

christmas day

2011-12-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

as i mentioned earlier, christmas day 2011 was a hit. i might possibly put it down in the record books as the best christmas for the layton family trio thus far. leah slept in and woke up happy, which made me and ryan happy. then we took the annual picture on the stairs. wait...i mean our first-ever picture on the stairs because this is the first time we've had stairs!

leah wasn't a fan.

she was a fan of the virtual yule log.

and rapunzel.

and her new apron {that actually fits and matches mom's!}.

and her new legit african bongo drum. she's seriously good. but we seriously got no pictures of it! she was even interested in helping to unwrap some presents this year which was an added, unexpected bonus.

and apparently ryan was the official photographer of christmas day because there are also no pictures of him??

but best of all was finally seeing the contents of what we lovingly referred to as "the gender box." hooray for girls!

we got all gussied up for church {and snapped a quick 19 week shot of my awkward belly} and were off.

even our toenails got dressed up.

ryan had leah duty during church while i performed in some different musical numbers - a women's a capella octet, piano accompanist for an amazing soprano singing an excerpt from the messiah {seriously, i did NOT practice enough for that one!}, and a piano duet accompaniment for some congregational hymns. i went in knowing i was going to play two and ended up playing a third on the fly, which added some hilarity to my meeting. the music was a wonderful addition to a really great meeting about Christ - a perfect way to spend a christmas afternoon.

we ended the day eating delicious soup and bread bowls and a yummy pumpkin ice cream pie with an incredible family from our church.

yup. it was a good day.

it's a....

2011-12-25T10:56:00.000-08:00

...GIRL!!

so excited for leah's little sister to join our family in may!!

just hope her hearing wasn't fully developed when ryan referred to her as

the second cutest little girl in the world.

merry christmas 2011

2011-12-25T01:58:00.000-08:00

all in all, christmas 2011 was muuuuuuuuuuuuch better than thanksgiving 2011. like a bazillion times better. three cheers for that. pics will come soon. until then, our annual christmas card:

{still can't believe brittani got miss ribbons to look AND smile a regular smile at the same time...without hands in her mouth. although, can you tell we're holding one and smashing the other between her and ryan? whatever works...}

christmas eve

2011-12-24T23:30:00.000-08:00

our christmas eve this year was quiet and peaceful - exactly as we wished. we made our traditional christmas eve dinner. this year it was chicken cordon bleu, rolls, peas and juice. not an overwhelming amount of food - but perfect for a special night. and we licked our plates clean.

michelle dropped off our surprise package to be opened the next morning. if you think her face says, "i know something you don't know," you're spot on. michelle took the envelope with the ultrasound picture of whether #2 is a boy or a girl, and filled this giant box with the appropriate colored balloons. at this point in time, only the ultrasound tech, the balloon artist and michelle knew what we were dying to know!

we opened up one gift each. leah and i got matching jammies. i didn't really need new jammies, but when i saw these bottoms that matched the footed pajamas i had already purchased for leah, i just couldn't resist. ryan also didn't need new pajamas, and i figured he wouldn't appreciate a surprise pair of pink polka-dot ones, so we got him some comfy slippers, which are conveniently not pictured.

we snapped a few photos

{including our leah sandwich, of course},

tucked leah into her bed {where it took her for-ev-er to fall asleep - i think someone was excited!}, then ryan and i watched it's a wonderful life. we helped santa with a few last-minute things before heading to bed ourselves at a ridiculously decent hour. i was quite proud.

i have to admit that i loved being lazy this season, sitting on my couch watching tv with the tree lit up. lest you think we went crazy overboard on presents this year , our tree is actually sitting on a giant box covered in green and white striped fabric, and the presents are resting on top of that. we were, however, very blessed and actually ended up with more than i initially thought we would thanks to parents and siblings. it was a perfect night.

dear santa, volume 5

2011-12-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

we didn't get a chance to visit the jolly old man in person this year,

but leah still wrote her letter. check it out here.

christmas adam

2011-12-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

for as long as i can remember, we've referred to december 23rd as christmas adam in our house. if i remember right, it was my mom who coined the phrase in our house and when we were younger, we thought it was downright hilarious and witty.

i've used it in regular conversation throughout the years and most people just think i'm crazy. that may be true, but not because i call december 23rd christmas adam. adam came before eve and december 23rd comes just before december 24th, christmas eve.

and because i thought it would be fun to actually have an activity planned for the day before all the festivities really begin, we decided to make christmas adam cookies and share them with some friends.

leah was our little helper. she was quite proficient at rolling the dough balls in our holiday-colored sugar and couldn't have looked cuter in her rolled up, over-sized apron.

i'm hoping a tradition has been born.

blessings from boston

2011-12-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

thursday, december 15th, i got a phone call. it was from the rett clinic in boston.

the same clinic i have been anxiously waiting to take leah to for four months. the same clinic where i have called and left countless messages for an appointment. the same clinic where i have spoken to three different people all saying they would call me back - or have so-and-so call me back - to make said appointment. and then i wait. and wait. and wait. so the second week of december, when i finally called and actually spoke to someone and was actually able to make an appointment, i was half ecstatic. the reason i was only half ecstatic was because the appointment wouldn't be until february. three months away. seven months after we moved and almost a year after her last rett-specific appointment. not good. i asked to be put on the waiting list if someone canceled, but wasn't holding my breath as the doctor we needed to see was on holiday out of the country and his schedule would obviously be jam-packed when he returned.

so, when i got a phone call on december 15th telling me there was a cancellation for the next morning at 11 am and could we come?, we all know the answer was a resounding yes. leah skipped school {she's not nearly as risk-averse as her mother was when in school} and we drove two hours to boston just the two of us. i would have invited ryan, but he was frolicking in the warm california sunshine all week...not wearing a coat...and sending me pictures of sunsets on the beach. nice.

since leah has health insurance that is restricted by state, i knew i needed to get cross-border permission. i was assured this wouldn't be a problem since there is no rett clinic in new hampshire, so we have to go out of state, but hadn't called yet as our appointment was three months away. i got the phone call at 3:00 pm and spent the next two hours making phone call after phone call to people who thought i was crazy and wondered why i was calling them. i should be calling this group or that doctor or this insurance company or that hospital or this person, didn't i know. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, all the phone numbers listed on my two insurance cards apparently don't work when calling from a cell phone? so i had to find other phone numbers. after a lot of tears, and a little bit of yelling {most of it directed at no one but the air, but some of it at leah, sadly, after which i locked myself in a room while she watched cartoons}, around 4:50, i finally got on the phone with a friendly girl named amanda who works in ohio at the company that manages my insurance company. she was the most helpful person in the universe. and kind to boot. she was the only person who didn't make me cry after hanging up the phone. thank you, amanda from ohio. really, truly, thank you.

the next morning, we were out the door by 8:00, parked {in the wrong parking garage} by 10:20 and in the waiting room in the neurology department of children's hospital boston by 10:45, ready to meet with dr. omar khwaja, the director of the rett syndrome program there.

leah got her weight and height checked and she's still over 30 lbs. actually teetering around 32. woot woot! and then dr. khwaja called us back.

the first thing he said was, "so, what brings you here?" my first reaction was to say, "my daughter has rett syndrome, you dummy." but i resisted and, after remembering that he probably sees more than just rett syndrome patients and has a lot on his plate, i explained our situation. he actually remembered hearing about a four year old girl moving from california to new hampshire and was excited to finally meet her.

sadly, he didn't send us home with a pill or cream that would cure rett syndrome {high hopes, i know}, but after asking lots of questions about her background and current situation {as every girl with rett syndrome is so, so different}, he actually sent me home with three great pieces of information - one more valuable than i could have imagined.

first, we chatted about her seizures, which honestly was the main thing on my mind and the one symptom i really wanted to figure out and try to control. we chatted about different medications and the options we had - what was working, what wasn't. and finally settled on a solution that will hopefully work for now.

second, there is an AAC {augmentative and alternative communication} specialist who works with the girls who come to the boston clinic and helps them get the devices or services they might need to help them. this person obviously knows the specific needs of those with rett syndrome as well as the ins and outs of insurance and trials and all that other baggage that comes along with getting those services or devices. and we can take part. hooray!

third, as we were leaving the office, dr. khwaja said, "leah looks great. she really is quite a healthy little girl and is really thriving. i can tell you are working hard to do the things you think are best for her and she just looks great" {or something to that effect}.

i was a bit taken aback, but kind of wanted to cry. sometimes i get so lost in the overwhelming day-to-day of taking care of a little girl who can't do the things other little girls can do, that i forget she really is "improving" and "thriving." she seems to truly love life and i know for a fact that i truly love her and do try to do what i think is best for her. it was really nice to hear those simple words from someone who sees others with similar challenges and battles on a daily basis.

we'll be back in six months to follow up with dr. khwaja about our hopefully still- happy, healthy, thriving miss ribbons.

during the appointment, we realized leah was due for another ekg to check for long qt syndrome as her last one was one year ago. he made a simple call to the fourth floor cardiac unit and made an appointment for us right on the spot. seriously? when does that ever happen?! we checked in, waited for maybe 5 minutes and then went back to get an ekg with nurse leah. yup, miss ribbons thought it was pretty cool that she and the nurse had the same name. nurse leah was just as awesome as patient leah and had us in and out, painlessly, in under 15 minutes.

we headed home via trader joes {of course} and a pit stop at a hotel parking lot just off the freeway for me to take a cat nap as i was going to fall asleep on the road. we made it home just after 5:00. it was a loooooooooooooooong day, but one we'd been waiting for for a loooooooooooooooong time.

beLEAF in a cure and a few other things

2011-12-15T06:56:00.000-08:00

i try not to make rett syndrome my life, but let's be honest: it kind of is. christmas is an especially interesting time of year as my emotions are all over the place with what could be and what really is with regards to holiday celebrations, gift giving for leah and my own holiday wishes.

if is could wish for anything, it would be a cure for rett syndrome. obviously.

but then i feel guilty because i hate fundraising. really, truly, i do. i used to hate it in elementary school when we had to sell candy bars and wrapping paper. i hated it in high school when i had to sell happenings books and christmas wreaths for my choir trips. and i hate it now.

but...when it's something i truly believe in, i'm willing. so, i have for you two great ways to help make a christmas wish come true.

first:

beLEAF in a cure earrings.

you can find them in my etsy shop and all proceeds will benefit the International Rett Syndrome Foundation on behalf of miss ribbons herself.

second:

if you're in the Boise, Idaho area, you do not want to miss an amazing benefit concert put on by Mindy Gledhill for another sweet little girl named brynn. my dear friend cristi {who i've known for years and years} is an amazing photographer, psychologist, mother and friend. she organized this incredible benefit concert just for brynn and her family, after realizing the profound effect music can have on our girls.

to purchase tickets for the concert, go HERE.

to read about brynn in the newspaper, go HERE.

and to read about brynn and the concert from cristi herself, go HERE.

a huge thanks to cristi, mindy gledhill and brynn and her family for believing in a cure!

winter gift and craft fair

2011-12-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

together with some friends from my church and tuck, i helped throw a little craft boutique at our community center this year. we spent weeks and weeks preparing our goods: all kinds of jewelry, christmas ornaments, scarves, hand crocheted goods, hand made cards, delectable goodies, tile coasters and more.

{ashley, michelle, maren, brittani, latasha, brittany, missy}

my kitchen table {and entire first floor} might not have seen the light of day for a few weeks...

...but it was a lot of fun! and i wish i had a picture of the entire room. it really transformed beautifully!

i even got to decorate my table with the lovely green striped fabric from IKEA that i've been meaning to turn into a tablecloth now for a few years.

i hope it was worth it for all the other lovely ladies - if not monetarily then at least in other ways. i'm hoping we can recreate the madness...and magic...next year.

{thanks to brittani for documenting...}

live nativity

2011-12-03T17:08:00.000-08:00

each year, the hanover ward {our local church congregation} has the primary kids {ages 3-12} do a live nativity at the annual christmas party. this year, someone had the brilliant idea to take pictures of the entire nativity story - costumes and all - and set it to words and music and then play the video at the annual christmas party. i think it turned out lovely.

leah, along with all the other 3-4 year olds, was cast as a sheep. eat your hearts out? yes. but i was the one charged with capturing them on my trusty nikon. those shepherds tried their darndest to keep watch over this particular flock, but it was harder than it looked. especially for poor shepherd alex, who begged his mom for permission to keep watch over sheep leah. he was darling with her, but she proved to be especially tricky.

here's a glimpse of alex and leah {why is signing time in my head now?}:

here's the entire crew {click to enlarge and see the serious creativity going on with some of these costumes!}:

if you want to spot her in the video, look for the sheep who looks like she lost the battle during hunting season. that's my girl.

seriously, though, darling video. to watch, click the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUtGMfd19M4

o dartmouth tree, o dartmouth tree

2011-12-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

this evening marked the annual lighting of the dartmouth tree on the green. it's no rockefeller plaza tree, but let's be honest: hanover, new hampshire is to new york city as the dartmouth green is to rockefeller center. it's actually quite the sight when driving through hanover in the dark {which is any time after 4:00pm, if you were wondering}.

they had hot chocolate and cookies for all. leah was on hyper drive and it was all ryan could do to keep the hot chocolate from spilling out of its foam cup and scalding his hand. that girl is wiggly. look at those pigtails fly!

we attempted a family portrait, but these were the best we got.

i think this was the best photo of the night. for a live {black and white} look at the tree, check out the webcam.

a fun - and cold - night out to usher in the holiday season.

nyc thanksgiving style

2011-11-27T18:12:00.000-08:00

the day after thanksgiving, we headed to nyc for a quick weekend getaway. a friend i worked with at byu was kind enough to let us stay in her amazing apartment while she was away visiting family for thanksgiving. it was amazing! we loved everything about her apartment and her hospitality.

miss ribbons loved finding new corners to hang out in.

and she loved times square.

but she didn't love the manhattan temple? we'll have to have a chat...

{she did love the juice box and raisins the temple worker gave her, though.}

ryan loved the dj at h&m - reliving his high school glory days as mix master ryan {he and miss ribbons sat at the front of the store for probably an hour listening to this guy while i shopped!}.

but he didn't love the realization that his hard-earned money is paying for courses in capital markets, accounting and finance this year rather than a scrumptious meal at ruth's chris.

he did, however, love his crab that was purchased with a gift certificate we have patiently waited to use.

leah was amazingly patient on this trip. she slept in the car. she slept at night {mostly} and she even slept in the stroller while we were out and about. she fell asleep in my arms at dinner and nearly dozed off on the subway once. it was kind of incredible. and we kind of loved it.

because she was such a trooper, we decided to brave the thanksgiving weekend crowds in the time's square disney store and oh was it worth it. we could not have wiped the smile off miss ribbons' face if we tried. she stared - and i mean stared - at the rapunzel doll and lots of other toys. i kind of caught a glimpse of what leah might be like without that blasted genetic mutation. after all, lots of other kids were staring, speechless at the rows and rows of displays as well.

macy's was all aglow and we had fun maneuvering our way through the crowds with a stroller.

we shopped on canal street {where ryan bumped into an elderly chinese lady with the stroller and he got an earful...so he gave her an earful back...who knew a white guy could speak chinese!?}, ate lots of pizza, caught a glimpse of the tree in rockefeller plaza {set up, but not lit when we went} and spent quiet evenings at "home".

{loved these angels in rockefeller plaza.}

{miss ribbons and her dad by a big apple in the big apple.}

i drove most of the way both ways so ryan could study. and this ended up being super awesome because i got to listen to hours and hours of christmas music. a truly fantastic weekend.

multiple choice

2011-11-24T18:57:00.000-08:00

a. i ate waaaaaaaaaaay to much tonight. but it was oh-so-good.

b. it's okay that i ate waaaaaaaaaaay to much tonight because i'm eating for two.

c. i am feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for all my many blessings this particular thanksgiving day.

d. all of the above.

could not be any happier that the answer is d.

thanksgiving day bust

2011-11-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

i'd really rather not talk about thanksgiving 2011, but i will. for posterity's sake. you're welcome, posterity.

it started out like any other thanksgiving day. oh wait. i didn't run the turkey trot i've run for the past five years. i sat on my behind instead.

but, ryan did get his football on. in the snow, no less.

we lazed around that morning doing nothing - because leah had a whopping eleven seizures that day. ELEVEN. she even had one at the dinner table. seizures + leah + the floor = this:

{i'll spare you the picture of her bruised, carpet-burned forehead and instead post the pic of her resting peacefully on the couch with her french braids. ryan and i for sure get the parents-of-the-year award for that one.}

mid-day, i put the turkey in, leaving ample time for some extra cooking, if needed, as well as time to cool and carve before we walked across the street to feast at the holbrook's house. that ample time came and went and then went some more and the turkey was still pink. i was confused {and frustrated and on the verge of tears} because i've made turkeys before and they've NEVER taken this long to cook. i know i thawed it correctly. i know my oven cooks at the correct temperature, so why, why, WHY was this happening to me?

{it dawned on ryan, a few hours after the fact, that the blasted pizza stone resting on the bottom rack in the oven was sucking up all the heat. i might never eat pizza again...}

at the eleventh hour, the laytons finally arrived with the bird and a sleepy, seizure-laden leah in tow. the ten other guests {including two other tuckies...one from china who was experiencing her first thanksgiving - go me} were waiting patiently with their perfectly prepared - and timed - sides, and we ate.

and i should have enjoyed it, but i didn't. i enjoyed the company. and i thoroughly enjoyed the mashed potatoes. but the four year old who didn't join us for most of dinner...and the fowl that did...just ruined it for me.

sorry, thanksgiving 2011. i kind of don't like you.

but today...

2011-11-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

...but today was a little better.

Today there was no school, so we just got to hang out.

Today there were no seizures. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

Today it snowed. And we got to play in it - your first time ever.

Today, my little girl still couldn't do all those things I wish she could do.

But today, we chose to wipe our tears and have fun doing the things she can.

Like dress up in super cute snow clothes with friends. (*This picture was taken at 4:45pm. Yes, it is really that dark.)

And stomp in the snow.

And make snow angels.

And go sledding with dad. (And love it even if you both go flying off the sled!)

Yup, today was a much better day.

the perfect holiday pie

2011-11-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure how you can go wrong when you combine a group of girlfriends, a night out and pie. it really was amazing.

i took the "pies for the holiday table" class at the famous king arthur flour with five other lovely ladies {and a room full of fellow wannabe bakers} and it did not disappoint. i learned all about "visible butter" and the perfect crust and am no longer afraid to venture from the store-bought, pre-made version.

i tasted my first date and, although nervous, didn't die.

i had my first encounter with a french pin {have i ever mentioned that i'm part french?} and fell in love. it might be on a future birthday list.

speaking of birthday lists, i'd also be happy with my very own butcher block countertop. i've never seen flour spread so evenly!

and, not only did i get three delectable recipes and take home two mouth watering desserts to be placed at the thanksgiving table, i also got a bowl scraper. bonus!

king arthur flour: i'll be back.

today

2011-11-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

I don’t like today. At all.

Today I just want my little Leah back.

Today I don’t want to have to watch or hear about any more seizures. Ever.

Today I just want to hear her little voice. Speaking sentences.

Today I want her to be able to do more than just splash in the tub.

Today I want to know what she wants for Christmas. Not just guess.

Today I want her to hand me a store ad with a bazillion obnoxious, expensive, ridiculous toys circled and have her tell me she neeeeeeds them all.

Today I want her to tell me what she wants for lunch.

Today I want her to be able to eat her snack all by herself.

Today I don’t want others to treat her differently.

Today I want her to wear underwear like every 4 year old deserves to wear. And to not have to wait for an adult to change her.

Today I don’t want her to have a headache because she can’t help but grind her teeth.

Today I don’t want her to have blisters on her fingers because she can’t help but twist them together.

Today i want her to be able to complete an art project. Not hand-over-hand.

Today I want her to be able to brush her hair out of her face.

Today I want her to be able to grab a Kleenex when she needs to blow her nose.

Today I want her to be able to play with a toy.

Today I want her to be able to read a book.

Today I want her to be able to choose her own clothes. And then dress herself.

Today I’m missing some friends. And wishing she could have truly normal friendships like other four year olds.

Today I’m mad. And sad. And tired. And I just want to stop crying.

Some days I can handle. Today I cannot.

tripods

2011-11-14T18:29:00.000-08:00

when ryan was first accepted to tuck, one of the first things he mentioned was his desire and excitement to play in the "tripod" hockey league. no, he's never played hockey before.

i'll give you a second to figure out why they call themselves tripods*.

team general motorboats

it's been seriously fun to watch him play. the first time i went it was a scrimmage game. in a matter of a few minutes he scored a goal and fell flat on his face. leah and i cheered both times.

the second game i watched was actually at dartmouth's super nice, relatively heated, stadium seating rink. and it was with two other wives that are my good friends - one from each team. much better than the first game. general motorboats won 5-1. and, even though the games were only two weeks apart, i was amazed at how much they had all improved in such a short amount of time.

other than his hockey gear taking up an entire room in our house {and smelling ever-so-sweet}, and ryan coming home a sweaty smelly mess after every game, it's been a really fun experience! it has been great to watch him learn {and improve upon} a new skill, get a break from schoolwork and exercise all in one fell swoop!

playoffs start tomorrow and ryan's team has the no. 1 seed. so wish him luck.

if you ever want to find ryan in a group shot,

he's the only one wearing green socks with three white stripes.

nice stretching, brennan.

maren, emily, liz.

knocking their hockey sticks against the rink after their team scored a goal.

goooooooooooooo general motorboats!

brent is the only one nice enough to actually smile for the camera.

"good game, good game, good game."

brennan, brent and ryan.

*couldn't figure it out? they need their legs AND their hockey sticks to stay upright.

i hate seizures

2011-11-13T19:12:00.000-08:00

that was the best title i could think of. and it's true. and really, i mostly hate watching my daughter have a seizure - something i've had to do waaaaaaaaaay too often in the past two months.

about mid september, about once a day, she'd get really stiff {so stiff that we couldn't move her limbs at all}, her eyes would roll up and she'd just be vacant for about 30-60 seconds. we thought they were seizures, but weren't really sure. we started writing down when it was happening, what she was doing, how long, etc. and then it would happen twice a day. and then, in addition to becoming stiff, she'd also start "pulsing" throughout her entire body. she would have these major, full-body twitches in a very rhythmic movement. and it was scary.

on her worst day, she had seven.

these seizures were wiping her out. she'd often sleep anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour or two after she seized. only to seize again. we were spending our days on the couch, with no energy to do anything else.

after a few weeks, we did get an appointment with a neurologist, whose resident was lucky enough to see leah in action. he ordered an eeg {which deserved its own post} and, after the results of the eeg, prescribed leah an anti-epileptic medication.

but then before we even gave her the medication, she didn't have one single seizure for eight days. followed by one a day for four straight days. ugh. so we started her on keppra with known side effects of irritability and that's about it. and we're crossing our fingers. she's been on the medication for six days now and i've seen two seizures. but none in the last four days.

i'm really hoping this is a phase. i'm really hoping seizures aren't one more thing that has to plague her tiny little body. one more thing that i have to explain to her without having an explanation. in the meantime, i'll hold her close and try to comfort her and pray for the strength to be the strong one.

although i know you are all dying to see video of miss ribbons seizing {we have plenty, i assure you}, i'll instead leave you with a smattering of pictures of our couch, and the pillows, blankets and skinny four year old that have been adorning it as of late. plus one in her new big girl, bovine car seat.

it's gonna be a loooooooooong winter

2011-11-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

when this utah-turned-california girl turned on the news and heard the weather man say, "there's a slight chance of snow in the upper valley" i pretty much shrugged it off. after all, i've seen snow before. i lived in it for 25+ years. weather man said it wouldn't stick. we'd barely notice it at all.

so when i noticed it and it stuck for more than a day, i may or may not have panicked. i kind of laughed at myself, though, reminiscing about the week i moved from utah to california. it was 20 or so degrees in utah when we left that january. and a chilly 50-60 in the bay area. i saw people wearing mittens, scarves and heavy winter coats and i kind of wanted to laugh. i felt like unpacking my flip flops!

well here i am, just shy of 5 years later, wearing my winter boots, coats and scarves.

this isn't to say i didn't enjoy it. i love my winter coats, boots and scarves. i actually loved seeing the hills covered in a crisp, white blanket with the brilliance of fall poking out from underneath. and i really loved seeing my skinny miss ribbons plumped up in a puffy winter coat*.

but i did get a little nervous. nervous that this was just the first of many storms. nervous that, although these flakes did melt, the others won't for a long, long time. as in, i probably won't see grass until ryan's out of school for the year. i missed the four seasons in california. but i might really like the lack of them in a few months.

i'm prepared now. and i'm beginning to understand the reason that new hampshire leads the 50 states in online shopping. yes, i added to those statistics. leah's dresser is now stocked with long socks, ski gloves {that will go up to her elbows} and fleece lined jeans. it's gonna be a long winter, but we're ready.

*try to not remind leah of her coat. we're hoping to hold off until christmas. we give cool gifts like that.

photography class

2011-11-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

i've wanted to take a photography class for a long, long time. i'm fine with book learning, but it's usually in one ear long enough to take a test and then it's gone. if i really want to learn something for good, it's gotta be hands on.

when we purchased a nice camera in 2008 before heading to china, i read the manual, watched the dvd and asked lots of questions. and then ryan hogged the camera. i wasn't complaining - he took some great pictures of our trip and i kind of preferred the ease and compactness of my trusty point and shoot. but really, it just doesn't capture the same image.

i'm still fine with ryan taking charge most of the time, but i really wanted to know how to manipulate the camera myself. how the iso works with aperture and shutter speed. what different white balances do. lighting and flash techniques. and more.

so i jumped at the chance to take a five week course at a local art studio taught by a fellow tuck partner. it was just what i needed. it was long enough to help me become comfortable with my ability to think through the adjustments i need to make in manual mode in various settings. but short enough that the class didn't drag on. i wanted the basics and i got them.

i haven't taken anything amazing yet. seriously just practicing adjusting the basics while using the flash as little as possible and it's already coming more naturally. it's been fun to practice ghosting, various focal points and more. miss ribbons and ryan better watch out. they thought i took too many pictures already????

my instructor. next time i'll use a tripod.

makes for a much more dynamic foot picture, no?

the brooklyn bridge.

my backyard and my favorite technique to tinker with - aperture and various focal points

rapunzel, rapunzel, let down your hair

2011-10-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty sure it was july when i first asked leah what she wanted to be for halloween. i figured if i was going to play a guessing game, i should get a head start. it might take me a long time to read the mind of a four year old.

our first "conversation" when something like this:

mom: "leah, we need to figure out what you want to be for halloween. i'll give you some options and you tell me if you like them or not. okay?"

miss ribbons: looked me straight in the eyes {her way of saying "yes" or "okay."}

mom: "great. okay, um...would you like to be rapunzel?"

miss ribbons: looked me straight in the eyes.

mom: "wow. that was quick. you really want to be rapunzel?"

miss ribbons: looked me straight in the eyes.

mom: "do you want me to give you any other options?"

miss ribbons: immediately looked away, avoiding all eye contact.

mom: "alright, rapunzel it is!"

and then i truly was speechless. i just kept chuckling to myself. i only started this guessing game in the summer expecting it would take a few months to really be certain of what she wanted.

we double and triple checked about once a month before all the costume-wearing festivities began, but she was still certain. i had hoped to make her dress, but when time ran out and joann fabric was ruined in the flooding aftermath of hurricane irene, i knew it was meant to be that the one time i was at target in the last three months, rapunzel's dress was on sale. i did make her wig, which ended up being quite comical {especially when i had to use one of my friends as a model to get it all braided and trimmed}. but i think it was an overall success.

we used the costume at a party at tuck where daddy took her trick or treating through the administrative offices {and only one person thought she was rumpelstiltskin, not rapunzel}.

we would have used it at the ward party, but miss ribbons decided to have seven seizures that day {her worst day ever}, so we went to dinner with grandma and grandpa instead.

we used it at her preschool class party. {where she got to sing scary halloween songs with her class to the librarian and everyone in the front office. and they got to play fun halloween games and eat scary treats.}

and at a neighborhood party later that day. {whoops! no pictures.}

and finally trick or treating with dad.

and we only had to cover it up with a coat once!

a true success when she chose her costume in july and stuck to it through october. i guess i'm better at this mind reading thing that i thought.

cape cod half

2011-10-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

a few months back, on a short morning run with some friends, we were chatting about races. the longest races we'd run. how many. and why we liked races. michelle mentioned that she could never run a half. i disagreed. andrea had never run a half, but was interested.

and so we started looking.

we really wanted something on a saturday and it only left us with two options in the area. one in vermont that was a killer of a course. no thanks. the other was in cape cod. so we signed up.

we were put on a wait list in positions 44, 45 and 70-something. so we figured we'd never get in and didn't think much of training. a week or two passed and we got a follow-up email saying we had moved up to positions 12, 13 and probably 30-something. there was something wrong with andrea's payment, so they told her if she fixed it, they'd allow her to run. and a day or two later, michelle got word that we were in. with just about a month to spare.

so we started to train. we ran up to 8 miles, which was pretty much all we could do with our procrastination. but we felt okay about it. michelle was running to finish, not for a specific time, and i was running with her.

the day before the race, we left our costumed munchkins at tuck with their dads to trick-or-treat and we headed south for a 3.5 hour drive. we got caught in friday night traffic in boston and stopped once to get some potatoes and chili before we reached our motel and settled down for the night.

it's ironic that the one night we were without kids and had the opportunity to sleep in, we actually had to get up earlier than normal. i seriously considered skipping my morning "run" in exchange for some good, restful sleep. but we eventually opted to race.

we were able to stay cozy inside of a school right up until the race started and then we were off. with our matching ear warmers, of course.

{michelle, andrea and me. i swear i'm not wearing blush.}

it really was a great day to race. we were worried it would be too cold, but we were dressed warmly enough that there was just enough chill to keep us moving. andrea was on fire that day, and i could tell, so after a few miles, we sent her on her way. she finished 40 minutes before us! go andrea!!

i gladly stayed with michelle. and was very impressed that, even with only 8 miles of training under her belt, didn't stop to walk until mile 11. my favorite comment was around mile 10 when a few people who had been behind us for miles slowly passed us. michelle turned to me and said, "how are these people getting bursts of energy at this point in the race!? they're starting to go so fast!" sadly, i had to inform her that they weren't going faster, we had slowed down. a lot.

speedy or not, we finished. and it felt great!

almost as great as the new england clam chowder, warm roll and green salad provided to runners at the finish line. we hopped straight in the car and headed home to join our kids in more halloween festivities. it was a quick trip, but a success. i'll definitely be going back next year!

eeg take 2

2011-10-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

per doctor's orders and leah's new and wonderful habit of seizing, we went in for an eeg to see what, exactly, is going on in that cute head of hers.

this was to be another sleep deprived eeg. but this time we found a fantastic activity with which to occupy ourselves: dad's late night hockey scrimmage game. it was cold. and we were the only fans in the stands. but we cheered hard. and leah looked so cute all bundled up in her jammies, coat, mittens and hat.

the day of the eeg, we only had to wait for a bit...

before the technician expertly and swiftly wrapped her up. she didn't like it much, but she got over it.

and then quickly fell asleep. {probably due to her raucous late night at the hockey rink.}

i laid by her side in the dark while the monitors monitored and the tech typed. when she woke up, she had quite the 'do. she did a spectacular job: not seizing once in the eeg, but instead right after they turned off the machine and removed everything from her head. luckily, they still got what they needed.

we hung out in the waiting room before our post-procedure appointment eating snacks and listening to taylor swift through our new pink headphones. it was a good day.

and when we came home, we both took a nap. after all, a sleep-deprived eeg for leah is also a sleep-deprived eeg for mommy.

family pictures

2011-10-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

we took some family pictures this morning. we missed the brights of the season, but still found some color. ryan was, as usual, super excited. actually, he was pretty excited i didn't make him shave. we did a little photo swap with another darling family. i took their pictures. my friend took ours. and in between we warmed the little ones noses in the cars. it worked perfectly.

i think brittani definitely got some keepers for us.

juuuuuuuuuuust kidding. she actually got some great shots. i won't tell you how many times we heard the words "leeeeee-ah, leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ah" this morning. but it worked. has anyone else noticed how fast miss ribbons' hair has grown since the big cut in february!? she's a regular rapunzel {stay tuned for halloween...}

guest post: this little miggy stays home

2011-10-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

every friday, readers of this little miggy stayed home are treated to an interview of a special needs parent. miggy, a special needs parent herself has made some great contacts and is so wonderful to share them with her growing blogging circle.

today, i was lucky enough to share my thoughts on being leah's mom as a guest poster on her blog. it's been a busy week, so the answers weren't all that profound, but i was happy to share a slice of our life and especially to spread awareness of rett syndrome during its awareness month.

if you're interested, head over and take a look at the post!

project 30 - it's just not in my hands

2011-10-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

so i guess you can see that i took a little hiatus. it wasn't really planned. it just happened. somehow, all this month, i got myself involved with a new and time intensive church service position, a spot on the tuck partners board, a part time job and managing a four year old who started having seizures. awesome. what a way to turn 30!

in the midst of all the crazy, this month was wonderful. from sweet notes and kind words from friends to gifts and parties and celebrations galore {not to mention facebook}, to a weekend trip to new york city, i have felt truly loved.

thinking back on my thirty years has been a great experience for me. i've found myself laughing on the phone with my mom and sister, having great conversations with my brothers, receiving messages from friends of my past...and being exhausted. it really was a lot of work.

one night, i had just returned from running the reach the beach relay {a 200 mile relay in new hampshire} and was telling ryan about eating salt so runners don't cramp up in between runs. i retreated to the computer to write my daily post and, in the middle of recording my memory, i started crying. ryan could hear me from the other room and he ran in with a dish of goldfish {i love goldfish}. he said, "i heard you crying, which means your body is losing salt. so i'm bringing you salt so you don't cramp up." he's kind of hilarious.

although exhausting, i'm super glad i actually recorded these memories. i have more that will have to come at another date, but i feel good about my start. and after looking at all 31, i've realized my life really isn't in my hands. but...it is very apparent that my 30 years have been carefully cradled in Someone's hands. and this project was a good reminder of that.

so with that note, i'm going to go get dinner ready and prepare for family movie night. updates will have to come later...

blue sky girls

2011-10-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

i'm going to come right out and say it: a lot of things connected to rett syndrome are hard for me. i know, i know. that sounds like an obvious statement. but i'm actually not talking about the day-to-day with miss ribbons. i'm talking about all the riff raff that goes on around us. the anger that some have in their hearts. the feeling that the world owes us something. the angst some have for others when they {gasp!} don't understand what we're going through. it's not that these thoughts never cross my mind, but when they do, they are fleeting. because overall, leah's struggles have only made me more aware that everyone is struggling. most definitely not in the same way. and sometimes not very noticeably. but i'm not always aware of their particular struggles, so why should they be expected to be aware of mine?

that being said, something else i struggle with is the way many people interact with leah. i understand that they might just not know how to approach her or engage her in conversation. and yet, part of me yearns for that complete acceptance and treatment that every normally developing child gets. no baby talk. no ignoring. no separation. just leah being a silly, smart, smiling four year old.

so, when something comes along that is overwhelmingly positive in nature, shows off leah's amazingly awesome work ethic, doesn't force me to beg others for money and still raises a bit of awareness, i'm all ears.

on october 15th, that happened. dr. sasha djukic, the director of the tri-state rett syndrome center at montefiore medical center had an idea. she wanted to host an event around the world to "celebrate rett syndrome month and the strength and will that girls with rett syndrome have shown to keep going no matter the odds and difficulties they face every minute of their lives."

and so, from helsinki to harvard, palm beach to pakistan, girls with rett syndrome and their families and friends climbed stairs - a symbolic gesture - because climbing stairs takes you upward and forward even if it is difficult.

i love that. climbing stairs takes you upward and forward even if it is difficult.

and let's be honest. stairs are ridiculously difficult for leah. we have 15 of them in our house and we spend a loooooooooot of time walking up and down them each day. some days it tries my patience. other days i relish in her small victories. there are days when i have to pull her up with my arms, lift her leg to get her started or stand directly behind her for some major support. but other days she just goes. recently she began to climb the last step all on her own - not even using my hand. and that, to me, is huge.

we met with 30 or so other girls {and one boy!} and their families, all wearing purple, and climbed the steps at harvard medical in boston. firefighters flanked our sides as we climbed, offering assistance to those who needed it.

miss ribbons didn't need it that day. she had one hand in her dad's and one in mine and up and away she went...giggling the entire time. she had everyone in earshot smiling.

it was a simple thing - climbing a few stairs - and yet such a great moment. it was great to be surrounded by so many people choosing not to wallow in the weaknesses and struggles of our girls, but to celebrate their strengths.

we even got to see dr. mary from california who was in town for a short 24 hours. we love fairy mary!!

a bonus: on our way home we stocked up on goods from trader joe's and while stuck in traffic, we were basically parked by the finish line for the boston marathon. and that just made me happy.

pumpkins shmumpkins

2011-10-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

i try to do fun things with leah. really, i do. but sometimes she is dead set on making it miserable for everyone involved.

today we went to pick pumpkins at our favorite farm. the day started out like this:

then looked like this:

and progressed to this {you can't tell but she's actually screaming in this picture}:

eventually ending in full blown yelling and tears.

seriously, i took about 30 pictures and there isn't one i deemed usable. her face {as show by her incredibly clean hands} was a mess of pumpkin dirt and boogers.

it was zero fun sir. i even got comments from my friends like, "i didn't know leah cried." and "i've never seen her like this." yup. it was that good.

but rest assured, i have not given up. oh, we'll go pumpkin picking again next year. and the next year. and the year after that. whether miss ribbons likes it or not. because we WILL do fun things. even if i'm the only one who considers them fun.

leaf peeping

2011-10-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

Leaf peeping:

an informal term, commonly used in the United States,

for people who travel to view and photograph the fall foliage

in areas where foliage changes colors, particularly New England.

The origin of the term "leaf peeping" is not well known.

A similar custom in Japan is called momijigari.

we'd been waiting for it for months. the brilliant colors that everyone was talking about. i'd see a peek here and a snippet of color there and get shivers i was so excited. we were told that the first weekend in october is always when it happens - when the leaves suddenly change and all of new england is a colorful playground.

well, here's what the first weekend of october looked like.

{the view from my bedroom window.}

pretty, yes. but not really jaw-dropping. or at least not what i was expecting. that entire week we wondered, "did we miss it?" "was it just an off year?" "did the hurricane and floods have an effect on the foliage?" "this can't be what everyone was talking about...it has to get better than this."

and get better it did. we just had to wait a week. let the record books show that october 9th is the day it all went down. i went to bed on my birthday and woke up the next morning to a fall foliage wonderland. this, my friends, was the new view from my bedroom window.

it was incredible.

i'll stop now and let the trees do the talking. and no, i couldn't narrow it down.

birthday at the lake

2011-10-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

on sunday after church, my two darling friends {see, they are darling, huh?}

organized a little get together at our favorite get-together-after-church lake. i will not say how many bowls of chips and salsa i consumed. i just won't do it.

andrea made the most delicious key lime pie. we struggled a bit to keep the candles lit in the wind, but we eventually succeeded.

and then we ate and played some more.

the weather and autumn scenery most definitely cooperated.

a good time was had by all.

except leah.

as we were cleaning up, i was holding a semi-shivering miss ribbons when suddenly, out of nowhere, she threw up all over me, herself and the sand. twice. and then once in the car on the way home. and then once in the bathtub. and then three times on the couch {which we had brilliantly lined with blankets}.

i ended my first full day of being 30 snuggling my little one for nearly two hours past her bedtime. as pathetic as she looked, i considered it a great way to end the day.

the big day (and weekend) in the big city

2011-10-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

the thursday before the big 3-0, the layton trio headed to the big apple. leah, in true leah fashion, was a champ in the car. seriously, so good. she was a great sleeper all weekend...so long as we weren't in bed. she just wanted to sleep everywhere else.

we pulled up to my friend morgan's apartment, where we spent the weekend, around 11pm. she and her husband were more-than-gracious and offered us their own bedroom while they slept on a blow-up mattress in their front room.

friday morning, i set out to the al hirschfeld theatre near times square to snag steeply discounted tickets to how to succeed in business without really trying. i succeeded. ryan set out to an informal networking-interview-something with the friend of a friend who works in new york city. when i got back, we headed out with morg, nate and two of their three darling boys to grab some lunch and walk through central park. we made wishes in {one of} the fountains, played at a playground and just had a great time walking around. we saw probably 1/100th of it. and it was much less tiring than the last time i was there.

after that we decided leah might really like to see f.a.o. schwarz. and i really think she would have, had she stayed awake. instead, ryan and i really enjoyed it. and i finally got my picture with harrison ford!

on our way we passed the apple store which was adorned with notes, flowers and...apples...as a memorial for steve jobs.

we headed back toward our weekend home where we grabbed a bite to eat. leah tried to eat the table before the garlic fries and pizza were delivered to the table. but she saved some room for the real thing.

that night, morg and nate were more than gracious again and kept an eye on a sleeping leah while ryan and i went to how to succeed in business... for a birthday-eve celebration.

the next morning i went on a morning run through riverside park and along the hudson with morgan, who is training for the nyc marathon. she was planning to go 15. i planned to go 5...if my hip cooperated {i jammed it saving leah from smashing her head on my dresser during a seizure. i saved her. and killed my hip. but it was worth it.}. sadly, i only got about 2 miles out before my hip started hurting, so i sent morg on her way. i ended up running nearly 5 as i wound my way back to her apartment and felt much better toward the end. it was a perfect morning for a run!

after we showered and got all ready, we headed out to the brooklyn bridge

and top of the rock.

miss ribbons could not get enough of the subway. she laughed every time it stopped and started and at all the entertainment that passed us by.

we headed back home that afternoon {after ryan received a parking ticket}. it was the perfect way to usher in the decade of 30. a huge, huge thanks to morg, nate and nyc for hosting us.

2011 - secondary

2011-10-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

i've gone back and forth as to whether or not i would actually include this post in my 30. it makes post 31, after all. and, although it's not my favorite topic, or the happiest memory of this year, it has been a huge part of my year and ultimately who i am becoming.

it all started in july 2009 when ryan and i decided we were "ready" to expand our family again. we had been hesitant for a few months as we dealt with leah's delays, but that summer she had become a pro at walking and we felt confident her other delays were simply bumps in the road that we'd soon leave in the dust. when we decided we were ready to have leah, it happened fast. like one month fast. so we knew we needed to be ready ready this time. as in having a baby in nine months (or 8.5) was a-okay. and we felt it was.

three months passed without success, but with a devastating diagnosis, so we were okay with the slight delay in plans. a few more months passed and i grew uneasy about what might be around the corner. there had to be some reason it wasn't happening.

that next summer, after 12 full months of nothing, i met with my wonderful, amazing, incredible, super-awesome doctor. over the next few months we did some more in-depth tracking and even started on clomid. then we doubled the clomid. then we tried an i.u.i. and guess what!? it worked!! in january of this year, i took a positive pregnancy test. i had to keep checking it. after 19 months, i just didn't believe my eyes. it really worked! my due date was october 22nd, which was perfect because i'd always wanted a fall baby. fall birthdays are the best.

a few weeks passed and my first check-up approached. as the doctor slid the ulstrasound wand along, i knew immediately something was wrong. i had prepared myself for a possible miscarriage due to some other complications i was aware of. but really, those complications made it harder to get pregnant than anything else. so i figured i was in the clear.

my doctor found the fetus and measured. and then measured again. and i knew. it didn't look like leah's first ultrasound and they were at nearly the same week. and then, with anguish in her eyes and a sad, soft voice, she explained that i was pregnant, but the fetus had stopped growing about three weeks prior. she wasn't certain why, but she was certain i would miscarry. she gave some directions and a hug and left me in the lonely exam room.

i cried a lot in the next few days, but i hadn't even announced my pregnancy to more than ryan. so when i went to pick up leah, i had to explain my previous good and now bad news to a good friend. and then to ryan. and then to my mom. i sort of left it at that, figuring i could tell others as needed after i actually miscarried, most likely a couple weeks later in late march.

when it didn't happen in march, or in april, i continued to ask my doctor what we should do. she wanted to avoid a d &c for my sake as it could cause scarring, making conception even harder than before. naturally was just best. and so i waited. my levels slowly decreased, but weren't quite at zero when i left for europe. so, as luck would have it, my levels actually depleted in london at les mis. and in the mini bus on the drive to switzerland. and on my first full day of sessions at the rett syndrome conference in boston. (if you don't know what that means, don't worry. i'm certain you don't want it explained.) and then it was done. just like that.

but it had dragged on for so long, it was awkward to bring up in conversation - even to friends and family i felt should know. slowly, through random encounters, some friends found out. some were hurt they hadn't known earlier. some were sad they couldn't have helped more. and some were just sad. women with similar stories came out of the woodwork, helping me to again realize i wasn't alone.

but the summer - the busy, busy summer - came and went and my belly didn't grow. and more than a handful of friends and family shared their own exciting news. although i'm delighted for them, it doesn't make it any easier. october 22nd will come and go just like every other day and there will be no soft, squishy, perfect little baby in my arms. no little brother or sister for leah to dote upon. and it just leaves me to wonder.

i feel confident we will grow our family. i'm just not sure when or how it will happen. only time will tell. i know there will be a happy ending to this tale, i'm just hoping i don't have to turn many more pages to get there. and whenever and however it happens, i'll be waiting with open arms and an ever-swelling heart.

also in 2011 {see, it really has been a great and fulfilling year!}:

{january - ringing in the new year}

{february - surprising ryan!}

{february - valentine's day prom and a handsome 30 year old}

{february - wining it up...or watching others wine it up...at a fabulous rett syndrome fund raiser}

{february - with miss ribbons}

{april - my pink easter beauty}

{april - shivering in new hampshire in my super cool rain coat}

{may - irsf conference and great company}

{may - europe!!}

{june - preschool graduation}

{june - girls camp. love my beehives.}

{june - celebrating a wonderful dad}

{july - great escape take 3}

{july - merwin}

{august - 3,200 mile trek - with a stop in niagara}

{september - our new home sweet home}