Monday, January 10, 2011

one of those weekends

i should be working out right now. shredding it up with jillian michaels. but i just don't have the energy. it was one of those weekends. it was interspersed with some bright points, but right now the shadows are more overpowering. i honestly try to give my best effort at staying positive and keeping a smile on my face. but today i just need to pout. 

leah was awful this weekend. 

awful

as in screaming for hours, hitting {yes, she hit my broken nose multiple times}, biting, throwing food and just being downright terrible. i've tried to be patient. i tried probably 43 different tactics. and this morning {after two hits in the face, a bite on the cheek and some screaming}, i decided that today i would feel nothing. no talking. no trying. today i'm just going to be. and i'm hoping that will enable me to slide by without feeling too much hurt. 

and honestly, not talking to her won't be that big of a change. i haven't had a conversation with words with anyone but myself during the day for the past four years. i think i'll get by. 

she graduated from nursery to primary yesterday {which, i'll post about when i'm in a better mood} because it's kind of a big deal in our church and there are some amazing people who helped it happen...and will continue to try to make it work. and, ryan was a true champion this weekend. he babysat, he cleaned, he helped and he encouraged, on top of all the things he had to do for himself.

i was getting leah's dirty clothes from her room today {it's laundry day} when i looked up. up onto the shelf where i stashed some of the toys she barely used...or never used...but i don't want to throw away. a v.smile to encourage hand use when it was disappearing and we had no idea why. some balls she used to like to catch and throw. a twisty turney bead roller coaster contraption from ikea. that quiet book i spent hours and hours making. i think we took it to church four or five times before i gave up. this morning i turned its pages, sobbing. will we ever have a child who will enjoy this book? i really don't know. will i ever be able to talk with the child i have? i don't know.

i just don't know. and today, i don't have the energy to smile about those unknowns. so today i'm just going to be. and hopefully i'll make it through. i most likely won't answer my phone. or the door. because i just don't feel like it. i will exercise, but i probably won't get dressed.  i plan to listen to some mellow tunes and i will most definitely cry. but i think i'll make it through.

24 comments:

lmackay32 said...

I think you are entitled...love you!

Nancey said...

Hang in there, Maren!

Molly said...

Like you told me: it's okay to cry. Sorry it has been a rough weekend. I definitely think you're allowed to shut down for the day. Here's hoping tomorrow will be much better and you can leave today in the past.

Julia Wade said...

I'm sure there are so many ups and downs .. and Molly's right .. allowing yourself to have the downs is so important. We love you Mare! Hang in there. xo

Julianne said...

Everybody needs a day to crash. Here's hoping tomorrow feels a little better...

ed and kelli said...

can i come join you? i miss my sister :(

dani said...

We NEED to make that cross stitching. If I had one, I would sent it to you right now!

t.t.turner said...

With all you have going on, there's no need to have Jillian yelling at you during your workout. Love you.

Karen Hauley said...

I love you.
and some days it's not even adequate to say that "some days are like that. even in Australia".
I hope you can feel my hugs.

Erica said...

oh maren. i know its no consolation to know that we are right there with you but we are. all of us rett mommies. and you just have to let yourself have days like that. Im due for one myself. i love you!

carolee said...

Hugs to you, my friend! Wish we were closer and we'd bring you a rootbeer float. :)

Bethany said...

Oh man, this post made me sad. :( I hope your day today allowed you to recharge your batteries. I honestly don't know how you do it.

Would a frosty help?

chloe said...

Oh, how I think we would be great friends if we lived closer. Seriously. I think you are amazing. And part of that amazingness is because you are real. Hope tomorrow feels better.

Meghan said...

I'm right there with you Maren. Maybe not for the same reasons and in the same way but I had a rough weekend as well that trickled into my Monday and all I wanted today was to be someone else somewhere else.

Thanks for owning up. It made me feel like I'm not the only one that gets this way.

Elaine said...

girl, you amaze me. seriously. i know some days are just crappy and nothing anyone can say will change that. but know that I'm in awe of you.

and, you broke your nose?! what happened?

love you!

Aubrey and Dale said...

Hang in there Maren. I know I will never begin to truly understand what you are going through, but you are not alone. Heavenly Father is with you every step of the way. He LOVES you and so do we. Here's hoping this week is a better one for you.

Natalie said...

hugs maren:) you are amazing and a wonderful mother.

Zenaida said...

Maren I love you and I hurt with you! Cry hard, get it out. You will feel better!

hugs

megan said...

Mar Mar...you are a GREAT example of patience and you definitely deserve a down day. I don't know how you do it. I love you and hope you feel better soon.

Ryan and Emily said...

I'm sorry you had a bad weekend! Thinking of you! Oh and ice cream always goes well with mellow tunes and tears ;).

Amy W said...

I want to add my virtual hug to all the others! You are so strong.

Emily said...

I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts as I read mosts of your posts!
You can't imagine all the toys/gadgets we've bought for Jordyn thinking she would LOVE them.... and slowly we stop using them. I have a lot of guilt about it. I used to make toys for her too... I wish I still did, but I got tired of them not helping.
I know exactly how you feel about not being able to have a conversation with your child. It's been getting to me lately.... after almost 8 yrs. I've said to my husband,"I'm just missing that bond you have with your child as you talk to them. That special thing is not there and never will be. Something just feels like it's missing"
I know I'm not encouraging. But at least you know you are not alone in your feelings! There is always a new day though.

Emily said...

PS: Cry a little. Then go work out. It is me ONE true escape and I always feel better afterwards. I don't know where I would be with out it!

jamie said...

you are amazing! and ditto to what emily said.