one of those weekends

i should be working out right now. shredding it up with jillian michaels. but i just don't have the energy. it was one of those weekends. it was interspersed with some bright points, but right now the shadows are more overpowering. i honestly try to give my best effort at staying positive and keeping a smile on my face. but today i just need to pout. 

leah was awful this weekend. 

awful. 

as in screaming for hours, hitting {yes, she hit my broken nose multiple times}, biting, throwing food and just being downright terrible. i've tried to be patient. i tried probably 43 different tactics. and this morning {after two hits in the face, a bite on the cheek and some screaming}, i decided that today i would feel nothing. no talking. no trying. today i'm just going to be. and i'm hoping that will enable me to slide by without feeling too much hurt. 

and honestly, not talking to her won't be that big of a change. i haven't had a conversation with words with anyone but myself during the day for the past four years. i think i'll get by. 

she graduated from nursery to primary yesterday {which, i'll post about when i'm in a better mood} because it's kind of a big deal in our church and there are some amazing people who helped it happen...and will continue to try to make it work. and, ryan was a true champion this weekend. he babysat, he cleaned, he helped and he encouraged, on top of all the things he had to do for himself.

i was getting leah's dirty clothes from her room today {it's laundry day} when i looked up. up onto the shelf where i stashed some of the toys she barely used...or never used...but i don't want to throw away. a v.smile to encourage hand use when it was disappearing and we had no idea why. some balls she used to like to catch and throw. a twisty turney bead roller coaster contraption from ikea. that quiet book i spent hours and hours making. i think we took it to church four or five times before i gave up. this morning i turned its pages, sobbing. will we ever have a child who will enjoy this book? i really don't know. will i ever be able to talk with the child i have? i don't know.

i just don't know. and today, i don't have the energy to smile about those unknowns. so today i'm just going to be. and hopefully i'll make it through. i most likely won't answer my phone. or the door. because i just don't feel like it. i will exercise, but i probably won't get dressed.  i plan to listen to some mellow tunes and i will most definitely cry. but i think i'll make it through.