On being selfish...
About a month ago, my husband asked me, “So, do you still
blog?”
It was an innocent question. At the time, my last post was
three months prior. Lots had happened in the three months since I had written
anything down on my beloved blog. Lots that I would, normally, post about.
“Yes,” I answered him. “I just needed a break.”
He didn’t probe any further, my answer was sufficient for
him. But I continued to think about it. And the why behind my simple answer. I love to write. I love to record my family’s
history. I love to sort out my thoughts and emotions not by speaking, but by
using those 26 familiar letters.
But it was true, I did need a break. More than that, I
needed to be selfish.
Last October I was not in a good place. I was tired. And
grumpy. And sad. And overwhelmed. And feeling inadequate. And lonely. And just not enough.
I can’t pinpoint one single reason, but I could give you a
list of one thing after another that slowly but surely began to bring me down. One
negative thought led to another, and again to another, and another. Things that
shouldn’t normally matter weighed upon my shoulders.
I wasn’t as good as this person. I wasn’t as capable as that
person. I wasn’t as patient as her. I wasn’t as knowledgeable as him. I wasn’t
as fit as I used to be. And I just wasn’t feeling like ME.
So I took a step back and made a decision to be selfish. To
focus on myself. To not wallow in my own misery, whether it was real or imaginary.
To live by the words of Gordon B. Hinckley, when he said,
“Respect yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Do not dwell on unkind things others may say about you [and I would add or that you may say about yourself]. Polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart.”
I had plenty going for
me. I have a handsome, loving, hard working husband. I have two beautiful,
strong, courageous daughters. I live in a safe, friendly (albeit cold)
community. My daughter goes to a wonderful school where she gets great support.
I have a warm house. A working car. If I budget correctly, I have plenty of
money each month for the things I need. And despite my destructive thoughts, I was a good, capable, patient,
knowledgeable, fit person. But I just felt like I was drifting.
So I let go of some
extra things in my life. Some permanently (hopefully). Others just for a time.
And I focused on me.
I continued to write,
but just for me. With my little pen (PaperMate Flair, medium tip, if you were
wondering). In my little notebook.
I joined a fitness
challenge where, over the course of 8 weeks, I lost more than 15 pounds (most
of which I had gained during my poor-me phase) and gained a lot of strength and
confidence. I came in thirteenth place out of 126. (I have to mention that
the top 12 got a monetary prize, so I kind of felt like I came in fourth in the Olympics, but that’s a story for another day.)
I worked on a few
other personal goals. I checked in on myself daily and weekly. And sometimes
hourly. And I improved.
I steadily climbed out
of my pit. And hopefully I carried out others I had pulled down with me a few
months before. The climb wasn’t easy. Sometimes it hurt. And even though I feel
like I’m out of that particular pit, I’m sure there are rocky paths and mud
pits and debris on the path ahead. But taking the time to refocus and take care
of myself was just what I needed to
give me the strength and confidence to continue to carry myself and my two
littles up and over and around the mess. And to see the beautiful scenery on
the way, which was something I was completely missing.
In the end, being
selfish actually helped me to be more aware and more in tune and more selfless
for those I need to focus on.
So yes, I still blog. I
took a break. To be selfish.
And now, I’m back.
*I will be filling in some of the gaps from the last few months, simply for my own benefit (hmmm...selfish) and they will be postdated.
