how kristen does it...

kristen and i met nearly four years ago when our husbands began working together here in california. we became fast friends and so did our little girls. with monthly cookie frosting parties and game nights, frequent pool dates, and an annual girl's trip, i've come to know kristen quite well. when i think of her, i think of goodness. she doesn't have a mean bone in her body. she is beautiful, truly beautiful, on the inside and out. and i'm oh so happy that her family lives just a few hours from where i will be moving this summer - because she can come to visit. 

here's how kristen does it...

Isn’t it interesting how death is often what makes us reevaluate life?  The worst day of my life was April 23, 2006.  My younger brother, Matthew, was serving a mission for our church down in Argentina.  He’d been on his mission for 21 months and was just 3 short months away from returning home when he was struck and killed by a drunk driver while walking along side a road with his companion.   

He was just 21 years old, in the prime of his life.  I will never forget the phone call from my father as he told two of my sisters and me the terrible news that our brother had been killed.  Never before had I felt such complete devastation.  I never knew that kind of pain was possible to endure.  It took over my entire being.  When you’re immersed in that level of despair and pain you wonder if you will ever feel joy again.  You wonder how your life will ever be normal again.  There is a hole in your heart that will never be filled.   

Since that day, I’ve had several people ask me questions such as, “Has this affected your faith in the Lord?  How do you forgive the Lord for allowing this to happen to your brother?  Shouldn’t the Lord have protected him?”   

As hard as this loss was for me and my siblings, it was much harder on my parents.  Only since becoming a mother myself can I even partially understand the hurt they must have felt, far beyond my own.  My mother is an incredibly faithful person.  She determined immediately after losing her son that she would not allow this to shake her faith in the Lord, nor would she allow herself to become bitter.  Because of her and my father’s example, we too never let it shake our faith in God.  

We learned that bad things happen.  Each person has his own agency and makes his own decisions.  Sometimes these decisions affect others, like in the case of my brother.  However, we also learned that the Lord has a plan for each of us.  We must suffer in this life but our loving Father in Heaven will never leave us to suffer alone.  Our Savior suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Besides taking on our sins he suffered every pain and affliction that we would endure in our lives both physically and emotionally so that he could succor us in our times of need.  While at this time I’d never felt such intense pain, I’d also never felt such intense love from the Savior.  

About a week after my brother was killed, while my family was in the throes of unimaginable grief, Matthew’s belongings were shipped home from Argentina.  In his belongings was a handwritten letter to my mother.  He had not yet had the chance to mail it, and I believe that it was written for the purpose of comforting my family after the tremendous loss, a tender mercy from the Lord.  In this letter, it was almost as if Matthew knew that his life on earth was coming to an end.  He wrote, “I feel that I am nearing the end of a long journey.  The journey, I think, has been a quest for myself. I have been searching for who I am and who I am to be. I started with just a general idea that I wanted to be the ideal me. I have found much success but also much failure in this endeavor. Coming on the mission was the key.”  He goes on to explain how when searching for himself he failed, but when he changed his objective to serve the Lord and gave himself over completely to the service of the Lord, he was able to find himself.  He saw that incredible vision of who the Lord intended him to be and in turn, became closer to his Savior.  

Bitterness has no benefits. It serves no purpose except to hold us back from healing and being truly happy.  I believe that we have a choice.  We can choose bitterness and anger or we can choose to allow the Savior to help us heal.  We can learn from our experiences and trials and become stronger, better people.  

It’s been five years since that dreadful day.  At the time that my brother died, I was three months pregnant with my first child.  Today, five years later, I am the mother of three amazing children.  Becoming a mother has been a humbling experience.  I often feel inadequate in so many ways.  I used to think that I knew a lot, and it’s at those times when I insist on doing things my own way, that I seem to fail miserably.  I struggle every day with how to let go of my need for perfection and control.  How to be okay with a house that is far from spotless, how to have patience with a three and four year old who very often find just the right way to irritate and get at each other, how to adequately teach my children to be responsible and choose the right, how to survive on very little sleep, how to be all these things that I think a good wife and mother should be.  It is when I realize all that I DO NOT know and lean instead on a loving Father in Heaven that I seem to find my way.  

I feel the influence of my brother daily.  I feel his encouragement and his reminder to draw closer to the Lord.  I feel gratitude for the bounteous blessings in my life.  I recognize that all of these blessings come from my Father in Heaven.  His greatest desire is for us to be happy.  Matthew definitely knew this.  He concluded his final letter to my family by writing, ”And so begins another leg of my journey, which I have only very recently correctly identified, as my journey home. Home to my father in heaven and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Home to eternal life and eternal progression. Home to peace and happiness everlasting. My eternal home. I am on my way.”

I would like to think that I too am on my way.  I now realize that I may not know much but I DO know that through the atonement, the Savior made it possible for me to be with my brother again.  I KNOW that families are forever.  We will be together again and this is the greatest desire of my heart.  So, though I might never know exactly “how” to do it, how to be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc., I do know “why” I do it.  And that’s enough for me.