Sunday, September 14, 2014

perfectly enough

Last night, Leah came in to my room and quietly rustled me awake.

“Mom,” she said, “I had a bad dream.”

I gently lifted her onto my bed, and for the next few minutes, we sat in the dark room lit only by the dim light of the street lamp outside, and she told me all about it. I reassured her that everything would be okay and then, after a few more minutes, we tip-toed, hand in hand, back to her bedroom where she nestled comfortably back into her bed.

And then I woke up.

I have dreams like this every so often. The details of each dream are different – the scenery, situation and topics of conversation change – but in each dream, Leah talks.

I wake from the dreams conflicted. Initially, I’m at peace; so grateful for a glimpse of normalcy with Leah, even if it isn’t real. And then, I’m usually sad. Sad for the chats that, logistically, we just can’t have. Sad for all the conversations that will never be. Sad for the fears and the frustrations she will never be able to convey, as well as the happy and hilarious moments.

I’m torn because I do my best to just accept Leah the way she is, and I feel like, most of the time, I do a pretty good job. Yet part of me continues to mourn the person she will never be. Which is completely ridiculous because the person she is is enough.

Perfectly enough.


For now, I’ll cherish the little girl she is during the day and treasure the late night chats with the one that visits me in my dreams. 

8 comments:

Marcus and Jenny said...

Oh this made me cry Maren. I've had dreams of Sammy too...running and laughing, really playing. I cherish those. I was just talking to someone last night about the topic of healing. Emotional wounds. It was regarding adoption, but I think it applies here...maybe something I need to be reminded of in Sammy's life too. Healing doesn't happen at once. It's lifelong. Most of the time I'm so happy and at peace, and then for whatever reason, I'm thrown off that faithful course and feel myself so sad. Then, sometimes days later, my heart goes through another phase of healing. Thank you for sharing this. It gave me a boost that I didn't even know I needed.

Karen Hauley said...

This made me very somber, however, I really felt joyful that you have these dreams. I think this is a very real way that the Spirit is allowing you to communicate with Leah. I love you.

Kelli Marshall said...

Damn you Rett Syndrome. This made me cry. But that is awesome that you can at least talk with her in dreams. I'd take that.

Erica said...

oh maren. i love that you have those dreams. not because they make you sad though. what a treasure though-love you.

Tanis said...

I wish I had dreams of talking with Melia. Her dad does and it kind of makes me jealous!

I love your last paragraph...I know how this feels… love you!

Louise Funk-Hansen said...

I loved this post even though it made me cry. This is exactly how I feel after having a dream where Olivia and I have a conversation....

Alexa Dealba said...

I stumbled upon this blog the other day and then got sidetracked and stumbled upon this blog entry. Anyway, it helped me...hopefully it will bring a new light to being a mama...it did for me. Thank you for your beautiful post!

Alexa Dealba said...

And i forgot the link...here it is:
http://www.kellehampton.com/2014/09/enjoying-payoff-in-present.html