Tuesday, June 22, 2010

my mind is a dangerous thing...

i did it again.

i let my mind go to that dark and dreary place. that place where life just isn't fair. that place where i'm so overwhelmed with leah and what her future holds, i can barely breathe. that place where no one knows how i'm feeling. no one.

i don't do it very often. but my mind is a dangerous thing. one tiny little 'poor maren' thought leaks in and it's a downward spiral from there.

this time it happened at the beach. at the beach, people. the most relaxing place ever. and, other than one toddler dumping sand into my beach bag (camera and all) and another feeding sand to leah (only trying to help her do what she couldn't do herself!), it was a great day. leah was on her best behavior. i sat there with good friends and their darling, perfectly developing kids for four hours and i was fine. fine. and then, one random comment and my mind begins to betray me. and to make it even worse, five days later, i don't even remember what the comment was!

i snapped the group picture, held back the tears, packed up and left. as i drove away, i lost it. poor leah had no idea what was wrong with me. all i could do was whisper, "i love you. i really do." and then drove in silence the entire way home. leah fell asleep and i think the tranquil, silent, hour-long drive was all i needed.

my poor friends. they put up with so much. i'm sure they don't know how to act around me. one minute i'm sane. the next i'm a crazy person sobbing uncontrollably. they probably worry about me being around their kids when they do normal things. and all i can do is apologize. i really am sane much more often than not. i never know when it's going to hit me. but i usually love being around their kids.

i have felt so many emotions in the past year i think i might explode. i never knew you could feel so much joy, so much angst, so much love, so much pain, so much happiness, heartache, faith and fear in a matter of minutes. and i feel them all to such extremes. i feel like my heart will explode with ache and adoration all at the same time.

i had a great conversation with my cousin the night of the beach incident about my breakdown. she's basically a gift sent from heaven. and she's not really my cousin. she's married to my cousin. but i'll claim her. i don't think she expected for me to bear my soul to her and cry for 30 minutes straight, but that's what i did. she cried with me and had all the right things to say. and then it reminded me of a conversation i had with her and and her husband {my real cousin} a few months ago. it was just before leah was diagnosed and we were all simply baffled at what was going on. i was in tears at their kitchen table apologizing for the things i had said and the way i was feeling about the entire situation. and that used-to-be-bully-of-a-cousin-of-mine said, "maren. you don't need to apologize for the way you are feeling. whatever you're feeling is right."


whatever i'm feeling is right. i like that. he sure has matured over the years. he might not be a bully after all!

it's okay to be sad. it's okay to be happy. it's okay to be mad. and it's okay to explode with all those emotions {and more!} all at once.

it's okay.


lmackay32 said...

It's MORE than OK; it is expected, understandalbe, and normal. No one will ever know exactly how you feel except the Lord. I know it sounds cliche, especially coming from me.
I am amazed at all of your talents, in fact, I am considering not reading your blog anymore (not really) because everything you do dwarfs me and make me feel a little insignificant.
Your are awesome, I am not going through what you are and I think I have more moments when I am not sane rather than sane :)

Rebecca Parker said...

amen to first commenter...i didn't think anyone would try 'cuz hard to follow up another profound post-so grateful to you for sharing your emot and keepin' it real yet you very rarely give yourself enough credit--even when you are down, you make us all proud!! esp 'cuz you always snap outta it faster than i do-ugh! we love you from wa & the lake is calling you...please bring sun with you from the ca beach:)

Jen said...

I wonder if you feel like I do . . . . .

. . . feeling okay, perfectly fine, and then -- one small comment, question, or thought -- and a wave washes over of all those feelings/thoughts/injustices that I have systematically tucked away. Some waves are bigger than others, just like at the beach.

And, they just bite.

Erica said...

why is it that this happens to us at the SAME TIME?? Even after seeing you and Colleen and feeling kind of normal b/c others get how it is I still let myself go yesterday-on my birthday no less. i mean I sobbed. I told Red I cant do it anymore. but I dont have a choice. so today is going to be a good day. whether I like it or not!
this life stinks. big time.
im glad I have you to put your feelings down so nicely b/c they are mine as well!

Maquel said...

You have been such an inspiration to me, Maren! I have such similar feelings about my Stockton. There are times I get so bitter--especially when I'm around friends and family and their typical-developing kids--and I just cry.

Your posts give me strength! I don't like that you have to face such heartache--it's unfair. But, you have such a great perspective--your thoughts have helped me more than once. Thanks for writing!

Karen Hauley said...

Oh, how my heart aches for all of you wonderful young mothers that are experiencing very difficult challenges - because there is no doubt that some days you may just hang on by your fingernails. But I sit here looking back from the autumn of my life and know, absolutely KNOW, that the rewards for pressing forward are immense. You are so important to your little stewards - definitely not insignificant; and while you can draw strength from each other, comparisons to each specific situation are not valid. We each have been given exactly what we each need to navigate this life. "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy
God is with thee withersoever thou goest."

Molly said...

Pssst--Just so you know, I'm never unsure of how to act around you. :) I just act normal, because I don't feel the need to act any differently. I'm comfortable around you. And I'm comfortable around Leah. I'll bet most of your friends feel the same way.

And I FULLY expect you to break down sometimes. Heck, I break down at little things, so I would be amazed if you didn't break down on a regular basis. Not that I want you to, just that it's okay and we all understand. We may not fully grasp what your'e going through, but rest assured that we all know what it's like to snap and have a serious cry over things that aren't right in our lives.

You are an amazing mom to Leah. It's okay to be upset about the monster that has taken over her body. It's okay.

Benson and Jaimi said...

Maren, you are so insightful and I love reading your blog. It makes me feel closer to you. We love you and Leah. She is such a sweet little girl and she helps me keep a clear perspective on what is really important. You are wonderful with my girls and an amazing mom to Leah! Please break down as often...I do all the time and think it is important to clear our minds. And...I am so sorry Em fed Leah sand. She will not be doing it ever again!

My new sheets match your blog wallpaper and I love it :)

Eve said...

i love this post maren! and the one that you posted after it as well. we all have our own challenges...you're just brave enough to blog about them. Lets hang out already!