my mind is a dangerous thing...

i did it again.

i let my mind go to that dark and dreary place. that place where life just isn't fair. that place where i'm so overwhelmed with leah and what her future holds, i can barely breathe. that place where no one knows how i'm feeling. no one.

i don't do it very often. but my mind is a dangerous thing. one tiny little 'poor maren' thought leaks in and it's a downward spiral from there.

this time it happened at the beach. at the beach, people. the most relaxing place ever. and, other than one toddler dumping sand into my beach bag (camera and all) and another feeding sand to leah (only trying to help her do what she couldn't do herself!), it was a great day. leah was on her best behavior. i sat there with good friends and their darling, perfectly developing kids for four hours and i was fine. fine. and then, one random comment and my mind begins to betray me. and to make it even worse, five days later, i don't even remember what the comment was!

i snapped the group picture, held back the tears, packed up and left. as i drove away, i lost it. poor leah had no idea what was wrong with me. all i could do was whisper, "i love you. i really do." and then drove in silence the entire way home. leah fell asleep and i think the tranquil, silent, hour-long drive was all i needed.

my poor friends. they put up with so much. i'm sure they don't know how to act around me. one minute i'm sane. the next i'm a crazy person sobbing uncontrollably. they probably worry about me being around their kids when they do normal things. and all i can do is apologize. i really am sane much more often than not. i never know when it's going to hit me. but i usually love being around their kids.

i have felt so many emotions in the past year i think i might explode. i never knew you could feel so much joy, so much angst, so much love, so much pain, so much happiness, heartache, faith and fear in a matter of minutes. and i feel them all to such extremes. i feel like my heart will explode with ache and adoration all at the same time.

i had a great conversation with my cousin the night of the beach incident about my breakdown. she's basically a gift sent from heaven. and she's not really my cousin. she's married to my cousin. but i'll claim her. i don't think she expected for me to bear my soul to her and cry for 30 minutes straight, but that's what i did. she cried with me and had all the right things to say. and then it reminded me of a conversation i had with her and and her husband {my real cousin} a few months ago. it was just before leah was diagnosed and we were all simply baffled at what was going on. i was in tears at their kitchen table apologizing for the things i had said and the way i was feeling about the entire situation. and that used-to-be-bully-of-a-cousin-of-mine said, "maren. you don't need to apologize for the way you are feeling. whatever you're feeling is right."

wow.

whatever i'm feeling is right. i like that. he sure has matured over the years. he might not be a bully after all!

it's okay to be sad. it's okay to be happy. it's okay to be mad. and it's okay to explode with all those emotions {and more!} all at once.

it's okay.