Saturday, November 19, 2011

today


I don’t like today. At all.
Today I just want my little Leah back.
Today I don’t want to have to watch or hear about any more seizures. Ever.
Today I just want to hear her little voice. Speaking sentences.
Today I want her to be able to do more than just splash in the tub.
Today I want to know what she wants for Christmas. Not just guess.
Today I want her to hand me a store ad with a bazillion obnoxious, expensive, ridiculous toys circled and have her tell me she neeeeeeds them all.
Today I want her to tell me what she wants for lunch.
Today I want her to be able to eat her snack all by herself.
Today I don’t want others to treat her differently.
Today I want her to wear underwear like every 4 year old deserves to wear. And to not have to wait for an adult to change her.
Today I don’t want her to have a headache because she can’t help but grind her teeth.
Today I don’t want her to have blisters on her fingers because she can’t help but twist them together. 
Today i want her to be able to complete an art project. Not hand-over-hand. 
Today I want her to be able to brush her hair out of her face.
Today I want her to be able to grab a Kleenex when she needs to blow her nose.
Today I want her to be able to play with a toy.
Today I want her to be able to read a book.
Today I want her to be able to choose her own clothes. And then dress herself.
Today I’m missing some friends. And wishing she could have truly normal friendships like other four year olds.
Today I’m mad. And sad. And tired. And I just want to stop crying.
Some days I can handle. Today I cannot.

23 comments:

Maren B said...

I feel for you! Hope "today" has ended by now.

Tanis said...

I so get it! I feel this way too.... Leah is so lucky to have you as her mom!

Jessica said...

My heart aches for you. Most days you are strong and patient but it's ok not to be that everyday. Extra prayers for you and little Leah coming your way

AJ said...

Today I am sad for you and hope (and pray a lot) that you can get the strength that you need. You are a rock star mommy. I have days like this with not nearly as many struggles that you deal with. You are great.

Anonymous said...

I wish I was there to give you a hug and kleenex. Hugs to you and Leah - Doris (and Edda)

kita said...

Well said, I totally get it. I'm sorry..... Leah is so lucky to have a mom that loves her so much and I know she knows it.
Better day today,
Makita

Julia Wade said...

want to twinkle to NH and give you a hug, and miss leah too. we love you guys.

Rach said...

Missing you so much Mare! I know what you need...sunday dinner with the mcphies, kids watching Kung Fu Panda and Leah laughing her head off, and adults playing a game of Ligretto (which you will eventually win by a landslide). You guys up for it??

ed and kelli said...

a. rachel has a great idea:)
b. today i wish more than ever that we lived closer to each other.
c. today i am glad more than ever to call you my sister, and bean my niece.
d. today i will be praying extra hard for your family
e. today, we WILL be needing skype:)

Erica said...

i feel all those same things and some days we just have to cry over it all. today is a new day and I hope that it is much better filled with giggles and hugs.

Morgan said...

:( sending hugs, or "lovies" as my kids call them, and prayers your way!!! i'm sorry you're having a terrible, no good, very bad day. i think you're amazing!

Colleen said...

WIsh I could reach through the computer and be right there next to you. Hard just doesn't seem like an adequate word for days like that and I pray that tomorrow is better. xx

Amy W said...

Just want you to know that right now I'm crying with you too.

Karen Hauley said...

Today, and every day, I love you.

Andrea Dance said...

You are amazing! We love and admire you so much!

carolee said...

Truly hoping today is a better day. Lots of love to you!!

Molly said...

Ditto to what everyone else has said. And let it out. It's okay to be sad. I've included Leah in all our family prayers. We love her and we love you guys. Sending you comfort across the country...

Emily said...

Your Mom's "today, and every day, I love you"='s most perfect comment ever. I hope tomorrow's "today" is much better, but couldn't appreciate your genuine honesty about today's "today" more. You are a gem!

Shauna said...

I'm just a total stranger who has followed the story of you and your sweet Leah. I pray for you guys all the time. (I know that probably sounds so weird, but that little Leah girl has captured my heart). What a good mom you are. Hang in there...

maryirene said...

we send our love.
i have an affirmation up on my fridge that i try to read everyday. it was inspired from a conference talk a while back. it reads, "i don't have to be a perfect mother all the time because i believe the Atonement covers me and will make up for what i lack." i love that quote because it lets me know i can have my bad days, because i know that some days are good and some days are bad and Christ will make up for the days i cannot be strong.
just thought i would share. my thoughts are with you.

Michelle said...

i swear I left a comment on this post the other night....but it was from my phone.....lame. I dont' remember what it said, but I remember that I was crying when I typed it. I'm sure it said that I love you to pieces, and that we love Leah so much. I'm sorry it was such a rough day, but was so glad to hang out with you Sunday night and chat it up with the girls. love you!

House of Payne said...

You are completely heard and understood by the most Supreme Being, the One who created you. He will not ever leave you and will comfort you when you ask. D&C 121:7-9. You're really an amazing person Maren!

Joy said...

All I can say is that I think about you ALL the time and how strong of a person you are. You amaze me. Do you ever read Tara Whitney's blog? I think I may have linked you to it before, she has a child with special needs, and recently took the other kids on a vacation without her. Her blog post was very raw but inspiring. I hope you never feel alone in your frustrations, and the wishes you have for her...big hugs!