Saturday, May 12, 2012

let's be honest here.

Yesterday was a rough day. Actually, it was a rough eight days. After receiving the news last Friday that baby had flipped breech, I went through a range of emotions - nothing short of the five stages of grief about a bazillion times over. And I lingered on denial, anger and depression more than acceptance...with quite a bit of bargaining thrown in between. And yesterday my fears were confirmed that baby decided breech is the way to go. None of this "upside down" stuff for her. No way.

It seems as if the entire world is certain this will be no problem - except for me. (That's an overstatement - I know. But it's how I'm feeling right now, so deal...). Everyone I've talked to is positive I'll make it through with flying colors and everything will be like sunshine and rainbows. 

I think otherwise.

Mostly because I've been there, done that. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I am ever so grateful to live in a day and age where babies can be born safely no matter how they are positioned inside. Leah was breech. I'm glad she got here in one piece! So really, I'm not worried about the actual surgery- I'm grateful it's an option. 

I'm worried about the recovery. My recovery with Leah can only be described in words that should not be published on this blog. In a nutshell, it was awful. At risk of bragging, I think I did a downright fantastic job of dealing with the pain, but I also did a lot of faking and was in tears a LOT. It took me five minutes to roll over to get out of bed to feed her multiple times a night. And once I actually got the guts to go through the pain to get out of bed, I had to stand up bracing myself against the wall until the pain subsided enough to walk to her room. Even laughing hurt.

It wasn't fun. 

I know many have other stories about c-sections. But this was mine and it's all I know. So this time, my fear is not about the surgery. And it's actually not about taking care of an infant after the surgery. I've done it and, although painful, I know I can do it again. I'll live.

My fear is, again, with Leah. She doesn't weigh 5 lbs. 14 oz. like she did last time. She weighs 35. She's not 17 inches long. She's 42 tall. She's not a sleepy newborn. She's a sleepy, dizzy, aggressive (thanks to her seizure medication), rambunctious, hilarious, energetic five year old. One who needs constant supervision. And her dad is leaving on an internship a mere three weeks after her little sister will be born. 

Again, I know the internship is the right thing. Ryan has worked ridiculously hard this year and has secured a fantastic opportunity that will hopefully lead to great opportunities after school. But it doesn't make his absence at this particular time much easier.

I'm a religious person. And I feel like I have faith that things will turn out okay. But to be honest, I also have a lot of fear. This doesn't make sense in my mind and it doesn't feel right in my heart and that gives me a lot of anxiety. I've tried to be okay with it, but every time I go to lift Leah onto the toilet or out of the tub or catch her as she's losing her tone or tripping because she's so dizzy, I am very much aware of the muscles used to lift and catch and the fear nearly overwhelms me. My pillow has not been dry in a week and I feel like a crazy person! 

Today I tried to chill out. I spent the morning running errands with Miss Ribbons and the Mr. Then I took the aforementioned Miss Ribbons to a birthday party in the glorious sunshine. Then I chatted with four amazing friends who had just returned from a very successful half marathon (that I WILL be running next year!). Then I played in the grassy field with a doting dad and a barefoot Leah. Then I went to a church function where I tried to keep my mind off things, but my protruding belly simply begs for people to inquire about my excitement for the coming week. When I got home, I bathed a giggly Leah (there goes that lifting again) and put her to bed and then had the night to myself while Ryan studied. It was a good, productive, sunshiney day. 

And yet I still couldn't shake the disappointment. Why not flip at 32 weeks and give me time to prepare? Why did she have to wait until 38 and give me such false hope!? I'm afraid and sad and disappointed and upset and frightened and nothing short of overwhelmed when thinking about my summer and I feel like it's taken the happy anticipation out of what was a wonderful pregnancy (for which I'm incredibly grateful).

And that's all. This is where I'm stuck. Physically healthy. Emotionally unstable. Hopefully I'll have a happier update soon. But until then, I'm relying on these two for the smiles. 

They're doing a pretty good job. 


Mary said...

I think I would be scared, too. I wish I could be there to help out! I'll be praying for you!

carolee said...

I wish I lived next door to you. We'd have miss Leah over everyday to play so you could rest. But since we're not next door, we will be sending lots of prayers your way. You can do this! Lots of love to you, friend. :)

Colleen said...

I'm glad to see that you have those two smiles to prop you up when it's hard. They are pretty great but at the same time, things are pretty hard. Be easy on yourself friend. Keep breathing in and out and feeling all this stuff that honestly isn't fair. I really wish it was and I also wish I was closer. hugs

Amy W said...

Your blog about purposeful pain really made an impression on me. I think of it often. You definitely have the experience to back up your thoughts and feelings about purposeful pain. You are in my prayers.

maryirene said...

i'm wishing i lived closer to you so i could help! best of luck. congrats on the birth of the new babe!!

Tiffany Fackrell said...

I'm a lurker of your blog, and a friend of Laska's. oh man I felt all these emotions with you. I too had a c section with my first daughter and it was AWFUl the entire experience was just awful. I was in pain for weeks and weeks and weeks. anyway, long story short i had my second via c section also. and oh my goodness it was completely opposite of my first. I have actually heard this from mutliple people that the 2nd section is 100 times better then the first. so here is my prayer to you, that your 2nd c section will be completely opposite of your first and you will be well enough to do all you need to to take care of those two sweet little ones! Also my dr. with the second ordered me this belly band that they put on me after surgery and let me tell you i swear by that thing. you should ask your dr. about them. it held everything together and i was able to get out of bed by myself with almost no pain. it was seriously the best. good luck in the weeks to come. also have you thought about having them try to turn her? i know that can be crazy too, just a thought.

Jessica M said...

It's so hard to be very very very pregnant. The physical and emotional exhaustion are overwhelming and it makes everything in life feel that much harder. And it sucks. For what's it's worth, recovery from my first baby was really difficult, with the next two- not nearly as bad. I know the Lord will be watching over you, together you can do anything. Will be praying for y'all!

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry that she flipped and you have to be in this situation! I'm sure you've heard it from lots of people, but I also wanted to say that my second c-section was WAY better than my first, and I've also heard that is the case for most people. I hope that yours is much better than the first, and just remember that each day gets a tiny bit better and regardless of how rough it is it WILL pass and you will be recovered at some point. That's what I kept telling myself. No matter how hard it is (even with the occasional kick/hit in the incision!), your body will recover and "this too shall pass."

Again, I'm so so sorry that she flipped and I wish you the easiest recovery known to man!!

ed and kelli said...

i think it just shouldn't be allowed for babies to be breech:) it's a good thing miss kate is so cute:) {and bean too} here's too a speedy recovery this time {since you've done it once.. perhaps it will be a little less painful this time?} you can just mater the art of feeding laying down if that helps:)

brittani c. said...

Ohhhhh. You seemed a little down when I saw you at Emma's b-day party. I should've asked. Although that is all in the past, and she's now here, I'm sure there are new things to worry about. You've got many of us who love you who will drop everything to lend a helping hand. Congrats to Ryan for his exciting summer ahead of him. You won't have time to miss him one bit, right? ;) xoxo.