what to do...literally.

i'm feeling like a crappy mom lately. 

mostly just a crappy mom to leah.

i have no idea what to do with her. how to play with her, engage her, stimulate her, help her learn and grow.

ryan takes care of the fun stuff. he and leah tackle and wrestle and giggle and goof off every night. that's not how leah and i interact. sure, we have our regular dance party, but i feel like i'm responsible to fulfill different needs for her than ryan is. and it's in those areas that i'm lacking.

ironically, i feel like i'm pretty good with others' kids. sure, i don't know all of their quirks and might make a mistake here or there, but overall i feel pretty successful. when i watch my friends' kids, i have things to say to them, games to play with them, activities to engage and involve them. and it's not hard for me. granted, i'm not doing this day in and day out, but i feel resourceful enough that i could - and i could be quite good at it. 

but i have leah. to set the record straight, i truly think of leah as the crown jewel. i would not trade that sweet girl for all the wealth in the kingdom. but i have no idea what to do with her!

without hesitation, i could list off 20 people more qualified and able to give her the care, support and stimulation she requires. people who are awesome at advocating or ingenious when it comes to adapting everyday life to a non-verbal, non-hand-using child. people who could incorporate amazing therapies into the day-to-day without so much as the blink of an eye. 

and yet here i am. here she is. the both of us together. 

i'm a do-er. a list maker. i like my projects  and crossing things off a list. i love that feeling of accomplishment. but if i were to stimulate leah in a way a normally developing child is naturally stimulated, it would be a non-stop job. i wouldn't be able to do anything! i can't give her a snack while i prepare dinner. i have to feed her that snack. i can't clean the kitchen while she eats her lunch. i have to feed her that lunch. i can't ask her to play in her room while i make a phone call or send an email. she needs me to help her play. to read her a book. to blow the bubbles. to hold the crayon. to think of conversation that might intrigue a four year old. 

i'm just not that able. there are some who are. and perhaps i'm not completely able because i'm a bit selfish. i can admit it. i need my projects. my lists. my accomplishments. so leah watches tv. she spends 1.5 hours in her room each day - and sometimes she doesn't sleep. so how horrible am i that she sits in her room doing nothing while i put a check mark in a box of a list i've made. probably pretty horrible.

but i don't have another answer. we don't have a nanny or a home therapist liek some. and leah was stuck with a selfish, unimaginative {resourceful, maybe but definitely unimaginative} mom. i copy ideas where i can to give her the best life i know how to give. but i'm not sure it's enough. 

i guess it's a learning process. we're both leaning what to do and how to be all day long. i just hope one day i won't feel so crappy about it.