Monday, March 8, 2010

the new kid in class

today was leah's first day at her new preschool.the kind of preschool where they don't even want the parents there. what!? what am i going to do with 12 hours of free time each week? oh. clean apartments and turn in maintenance requests and schedule vendors and try to rent apartments.

the teachers said she did really well. phew! she looked super cute. she had a new backpack. she tripped as we walked to the classroom, so i documented the cute scuff marks on her white capris.but i'm so sad.

leah couldn't tell me if she had a good day or not. maybe we'll get to the point where she can communicate a lot of things without words {um, that's why she goes to preschool, maren}. but we're not at that point yet. i asked her so many times today how her first day was...and i'll never know. i'll never get to hear her cute little voice tell me, in detail, all the silly things she did. if she liked her new friends, her new teachers, the toys, the books, the snacks, the potty. what they learned about. what made her happy, sad, frustrated, excited.

it was a rough day.

most of the time i'm okay with the fact that she is different. today i wasn't. today i cried. i cried a lot. i was so sad for the simple things we're missing out on because we communicate differently than each other.

i'm sure leah wanted to tell me all about her day. i just don't know how to hear her.

so, we'll keep going to preschool. and kindergarten. and grade school and beyond. and hopefully, one day, she'll be able to tell me how her first day of school was.

20 comments:

Claire said...

Oh maren,, I am so sorry. What a terrible day. You are right, it would be so painful to not be able to communicate with your child in a traditional fashion, it will come, it will come. hang in there my friend! but for the record, she looks absolutely darling!!!

Amy W said...

I'm crying with you, Maren. What a beautiful girl and a beautiful mom.

Shannon said...

It is amazing how many things you take for granted will happen until you can't have them when you have a special child. But you also get to rejoice over the little happy things and victories you wouldn't even notice if she weren't special.

Julia Wade said...

telling from that gorgeous face of hers, looks like it was a pretty great day. you are an amazing mom, mare.

Joy said...

Maren, your posts break my heart. I understand where you are in life since Leah is in between my girls in age, and I know how it is to send them off to preschool and wonder about their day. I can't even imagine how tough it is for you! xoxo

megan said...

She looked darling in her first day outfit. You are so brave and strong Mar...you amaze me!

ed and kelli said...

i bet she told you, at least in part, how her day was by her adorable grin and her wonderful hugs and kisses:) i lug you mare. beah looks adorable! i cried with you if it makes you feel better...

Uffens Family said...

I love you Mare

Molly said...

Makes me sad, too, Maren. Hang in there on the bad days. Makes the good ones that much sweeter.

t.t.turner said...

How hard, totally made me cry.
She looks absolutely adorable (I want her backpack).

Jenny said...

I know. I know I know I know. Monday was one of those days for me. As Samantha drove away on the bus...the SCHOOL BUS for pete's sake...I cried and cried. Then, I worried. When she got home, I was so excited to see her. She was excited too, but when I asked her if it was fun, if it was scary to be alone on the bus, if she sat by anyone, if she missed me like I missed her, if she's excited for tomorrow, what she saw, what sounds the bus made...she just smiled and looked around. At times I'm not sure if she's getting a thing I say to her. I know she feels my love...but sometimes it's just so hard. And I want to know it all. I want to know if she hates the bus, because if she does, I'll go back to driving her 35 miles a day. But I don't know. And it breaks my heart. Oh Maren. We've just got to hang in there. Leah looks absolutely beautiful in her first day of school pictures. Sorry for the novella! But this is so fresh for me right now too. (sigh)

Rob and Marseille said...

I'm so glad for you and jenny that you have each other to go through this together. I remember when Christopher first went to nursery I wondered the same things...what did they do, was it fun, what songs did he like, who were his friends...I had to ask his teachers in the 30 seconds we saw each other. I hope she makes as much progress speaking this year as she did walking last year.

Natalie said...

I can't imagine what that must be like, but you are so strong and such an amazing mother. I hope that one day you will be able to communicate with each other too :) She looked beautiful and she is just the cutest little girl! I hope things will get easier for you to bear. You are so wonderful! you are in my prayers!

Natalie said...

I am really, truly sorry. This breaks my heart. She is beautiful. And you are an amazing mom.

Paula said...

Becca is turning 3 in a couple weeks and it has been really hard for me to think about leaving her at preschool. Especially because she can't communicate. It's hard enough for me to know what she wants and I've taken care of her almost every day of her life. I know what you mean. It's going to be a hard day. I love Leah with her backpack on. It's so cute! I bet she loves school.

JAZKK Low said...

Oh Maren. I am sorry. Reading this broke my heart and I just wanted to hug you. I am really sorry. Like you said, someday you'll know how to hear her and she'll learn how to tell you. She looked ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE with her cute little ribbons and pig tails and bangs. She is such a dollie.

Jessica Swendsen said...

Maren, Leah is beautiful. I am so sorry for your tough day. I feel terrible telling you this, but I didn't even realize that Leah had Rett's (or anything) until you put that link up on facebook telling what it was and how to donate. I am sorry that I didn't know. But - maybe that might help? She is an adorable child and I LOVE her little smile. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy all the little things that are actually big things. I pray that preschool agrees with Leah - and that as Marseille said, you will have the same progress with speaking as you did with walking last year! Do you still do the running around the track with the kids? I thought that was an awesome activity to do with the kids. I am sure with such a devoted mother as you, Leah is going to thrive.

Jessica M said...

She is beautiful. *hug*

Jen said...

Aww... My thoughts are with you. You and Leah must both be really special people!

Adam, Jaci, Grant and Grace said...

First, I need to say that Leah should be a little model! She CANNOT get any cuter! I am sorry you had such a hard day. I want to cry just reading this post. You are a great mommy and Leah is lucky to have you! Keep up the good work and remember that it is okay to cry...I know I do it all the time!