grateful - no. 30

grateful | trials

there. i said it. and {most of the time} i believe it. i truly do believe our trials make us stronger. better. more capable. more caring. more aware. they help us grow into the people we have the potential to become. 

and at the same time, they suck.

they're hard. they make us want to throw in the towel. curl into the fetal position. scream. yell. pull out our hair. kick a hole in the wall. at least they make me want to do all those things.

i put a picture of me and leah on here because, well, she's my trial. i love her dearly, but she is the hardest thing i have ever been faced with in all my 29 years. and it scares me because, unlike other trials, i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i know this particular trial will continue to pull and stretch and reshape me for years and years and years. just when i think i've come to terms with her {and my} future, something happens that makes me mourn the loss of her previous abilities all over again. most nights i fall asleep on a wet pillow. most mornings i wake up and ask ryan if it was all a dream. i feel a bazillion emotions all at one time - and all of them so completely that i feel like i could burst. 

my morning and evening prayers are full of questions and pleas for help and strength to get through just one. more. day. and they are full of gratitude. gratitude for this sweet little girl who has graced me with her presence. who wipes her slobbery fingers and face all over me each day. whose eyes light up when i've finally guessed right. who snuggles into my arms twice daily as she drifts off to sleep. who screams and giggles in the same second. who moves with such life in her. who lives with such light. 

yes, i am grateful for trials.